April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread - Page 31

osreb · #**301** 12-18-2009, 07:35 PM

Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady who grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard."

***** WATERMARKED PIC REMOVED *****

osreb · #**302** 12-19-2009, 06:33 PM

time to decorate the tree

osreb · #**303** 12-20-2009, 11:11 PM

Two Woodpeckers...

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it, and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada, where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, "your pecker gets harder when you're away from home."

Hey, I'm just the messenger!!!

osreb · #**304** 12-21-2009, 09:00 PM

LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK

1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP

2. BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER

3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY

4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT

5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER

6. YOU CANT GO WRONG, IF U SHIELD YOUR DONG

7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.

8. IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY

9. IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE

10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YOUR PETER

11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF U WRAP YOUR DICK

12. IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT

13. WHLE YOUR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS

14. WHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE

15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER

16. NEVER,NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER

17. DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL

18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION

19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL

20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER

21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!

osreb · #**305** 12-22-2009, 11:18 PM

A little old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon, when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, 'Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?'
'Are you nuts?!' she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
'Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?' he asks again.
'Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?
So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again;
'Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?'
She thinks about it for a while and says, 'Hmmm, $10,000 dollars;
Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there.'
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.
As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them,
licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'

'No! says the little old Jewish man ... ''Costs too much!"

osreb · #**306** 12-23-2009, 07:01 PM

Santa comes down the chimney � there sits a nice looking lady �.

She says : � Santa .. Would you please stay with me tonight? �

Santa replies: � HO HO HO GOTTA GO � GOTTA DELIVER ALL THESE TOYS DON�T YA KNOW!�

The woman then drops her robe off and is in a sexy nighty�

She says �Please Santa .. I am all alone � please stay with me just tonight !�

Santa replies : � HO HO HO GOTTA GO .. GOTTA DELIVER ALL THESE TOYS DON�T YA KNOW!�

She then drops the nighty off � and is really looking good �.. she says as she rubs on Santa in the nude : � Please oh PLEASE Santa �. Please stay with me tonight� !

Santa replies � HO HO HO � GUESS I GOTTA STAY ��

CANT GET UP THE CHIMINY WITH MA PECKER THIS WAY !�

__._,_.___

osreb · #**307** 12-24-2009, 06:39 PM

Merry Christmas to all at OCC

Today ... I wish you a day of ordinary miracles-

A fresh pot of coffee you didn't have to make yourself.

An unexpected phone call from an old friend.

Green stoplights on your way to work or shop.

I wish you a day of little things to rejoice in...

The fastest line at the grocery store.

A good sing along song on the radio.

Your keys right where you look.

I wish you a day of Peace, Happiness and Joy.

Merry Christmas!

Wishing you the very best for 2010

Osreb

osreb · #**308** 12-25-2009, 06:10 PM

Christmas Carols for the Disturbed
(�you know who you are)
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy -can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away? Hash Browns! I want hash browns, damnit!
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

Merry Christmas!

More Christmas joles posted here:

https://forum.oneclickchicks.com/showthread.php?t=85737

**Fango** · #**309** 12-25-2009, 06:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by osreb

Christmas Carols for the Disturbed

https://forum.oneclickchicks.com/atta...6&d=1261782621

Any idea what this is or where it's from? Almost looks like an advertisement, but I doubt that would've run in any magazine from the '50s (save Playboy, maybe).

Thanks

Fango

osreb · #**310** 12-25-2009, 06:39 PM

found it on a blog for vintage ads; no other info was available.

Here is a few more from that blog.

Osreb

The Following 17 Users Say Thank You to osreb For This Useful Post:
Aunchient, bigwillee, chuckie497, coachbeaver, gbcrewman, gs500e91, Hurrel, jackrockpete, jodoc, luisju, marcopm93, nectcouple, riversidebob, squonk, tarstarken, voy1970, zuba

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Aunchient, chuckie497, coachbeaver, coorslite, Hurrel, jackrockpete, luisju, movielvr99, nectcouple, oleg305, rickgbf, riversidebob, tarstarken, way out west, zuba

The Following 25 Users Say Thank You to osreb For This Useful Post:
Aunchient, bigwillee, bocholobo, bonfire5890, chrissyboy, chuckie497, coachbeaver, endoftheline, gbcrewman, gs500e91, Hurrel, jackrockpete, jeff5228, jodoc, luisju, maxtease, nectcouple, nevergivenaname, oleg305, riversidebob, RTTW, squonk, tarstarken, way out west, zuba

The Following 18 Users Say Thank You to osreb For This Useful Post:
Aunchient, chuckie497, gbcrewman, gs500e91, hedodon, Hurrel, jackrockpete, jeff5228, jodoc, luisju, maxtease, nectcouple, nevergivenaname, Oztrax, riversidebob, tarstarken, way out west, zuba

The Following 21 Users Say Thank You to osreb For This Useful Post:
Aunchient, chuckie497, gbcrewman, hardogleken2, Hurrel, jackrockpete, jeff5228, jen's hubby, jodoc, Klutz99, luisju, Marlboro_64, maxtease, movielvr99, nectcouple, ratdog1, riversidebob, tarstarken, watcher300, way out west, zuba

The Following 20 Users Say Thank You to osreb For This Useful Post:
Aunchient, bigwillee, chuckie497, Dude87, gbcrewman, Hurrel, jackrockpete, jodoc, Klutz99, luisju, maxtease, movielvr99, Mudbug, nectcouple, nevergivenaname, phoenix18, riversidebob, tarstarken, way out west, zuba

The Following 18 Users Say Thank You to osreb For This Useful Post:
Aunchient, bonfire5890, endoftheline, Fango, gbcrewman, Hurrel, ipuss_, jackrockpete, jeff5228, jodoc, luisju, movielvr99, nectcouple, riversidebob, rpm633, tarstarken, way out west, zuba

The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Fango For This Useful Post:
luisju, zuba

The Following 13 Users Say Thank You to osreb For This Useful Post:
aquiles_1975, Aunchient, Fango, friarfrat, Hurrel, ipuss_, jackrockpete, luisju, movielvr99, nectcouple, tarstarken, way out west, zuba