April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Former Pittsburgh Pirates' slugger Ralph Kiner was telling his broadcasting buddy, Lindsey Nelson, about his wife, the former tennis star Nancy Chaffee. "When I married Nancy, I vowed I'd beat her at tennis someday. After six months, she beat me 6-2. After a year, she beat me 6-4. After we were married a year and a half, I pushed her to 7-5. Then it happened she had a bad day and I had a good one, and I beat her 17-15."

"Good for you, Ralph," exclaimed Lindsey. "Was she sick?"

"Of course not!" Kiner snapped indignantly. "But, she was eight months pregnant."


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[osreb]

If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!!

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him philly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nith mouf, can I thee her tw*t?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit

***** FAKE PIC REMOVED *****

[osreb]

OSHA is passing along these graphic images of what can happen if loose clothing is worn in an average office.

Be careful out there!

[osreb]

It was the first day of the school year and the shop teacher was surprised to see a rather "princess-like" young lady sitting in the front row of the classroom. Her name was Judy, and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodworking shop class that term. The shop teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class, and Judy assured him that she was.

The teacher then said, "This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?"

"What exactly do you mean?" replied Judy.

"Well, what's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the shop teacher asked.

Judy pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."

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[osreb]

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."

The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed, he gives me several hundred exciting laps."

The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."

She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."

"How so?"

"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."

[osreb]

A blonde and a brunette were taking the elevator to the lobby from the 25th floor. On the 23rd floor, a great looking man with touseled hair gets into the elevator. The women exchange a look acknowledging just how good looking this man is. The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor. The women watch him exit the elevator.

The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "God, he was good looking, but someone ought to give him Head and Shoulders."

To which the blonde replied, "How do you give Shoulders?"

[osreb]

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London.
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
" McTavish , Scotland " he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
" Waddington-Smythe , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.


The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."

***** WATERMARKED PIC REMOVED *****

[osreb]

1. Money cannot buy happiness but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.

3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.

[osreb]

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair,
drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me,
"You otta be hung!"

I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips,
lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor
and then calmly replied;

"I AM. THAT'S WHY SHE CUTS THE GRASS

[osreb]

One of our clients brought in his massive Doberman pinscher to be spayed. As a veterinary assistant, I escort the patient into the doctor's office.

Before taking this dog's leash, I glimpsed those large teeth of hers and asked the owner, "Is she friendly?"

"Friendly?" said the man. "She's had five litters! How much 'friendlier' than that can she get?"

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Liana was a beautiful girl. As she was walking through the woods on a hot summers day, the heat became too much for her and she decided to go for a swim. She took off all her clothes, piled them neatly on the side of the riverbank and dove in.

A couple of young boys came along and decided to steal her clothes.

Having gotten out of the water and discovered her clothes had been stolen, Liana decided to go to the roadside and hitch a ride home.

Along came Steve, riding a bicycle. He stopped for Liana. "Come," he said, "I'll ride you into town."

She jumped on his bicycle and rode side-saddle in front of him. Steve said nothing, but after ten minutes Liana was so overwhelmed at how calm he was that she said, "Tell me, haven't you noticed that I'm completely naked?"

"Sure," said Steve. "Haven't you noticed that you're riding on a girl's bike?"