April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?" Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."

__._,_.___

It seems that there are fringe benefits to being President. After leaving the White House, Dwight Eisenhower was asked if he noticed anything different about his golf game. "Yes," he said, "a lot more people beat me now!"

[osreb]

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission

In the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he Realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.' The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears

A rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of Natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.


The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be
civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'


Enjoy your day and remember to keep off the roads and be darn careful when riding someone else's bicycle.

[osreb]

A fellow evidently under the influence was trying desperately to catch a train back to his suburban home. Three times he got on the wrong train. Each time he was told that he would have to take another train.

When he boarded a fourth train he slumped down in a seat beside a clergyman, whose eyes, ears and nose told him that this new passenger had been drinking too much. He told our besotted friend, "Brother, may I tell you that you are traveling the rough and rocky road to damnation."

To which the drunk replied, "Don't tell me I'm on the wrong fucking train again!"

################################################## ######

A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied that he was going fishing but his Dad told him that he needed to go to church.

The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his Dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing.

To which the boy replied, "Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."


__._,_.___

[osreb]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there, and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.


Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do," said Bob.

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you... You know you smiled... Now, keep that smile for the rest of the day!

[osreb]

All of you have known this 'church lady' at some point in your lives.

(cut and paste the youtube link)


youtube.com/watch?v=3xv7REV2HEY

[osreb]

On Halloween day, a tall, slim, elderly man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, “Going to a Halloween party? ”

“Yeah, a costume party,” the man answered, “I’m supposed to come dressed as my lousy love life.”

“But you look like Abe Lincoln. Where is the connection?” protested the barkeep.

“The connection is that my last four scores were seven years ago.”

[osreb]

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."

[osreb]

- One who avoids bride-eyed women.

- One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.

- One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long.

- One who can get into bed from either side.

- One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.

- One who can have a girl on his knee without having her on his hands.

- One who can't be spouse-broken.

- One who cheated some woman out of a divorce.

- One who is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on his shirt.

- One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him.

- One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.

- One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she is...Single!

- One who never makes the same mistake once.

- One who never met a girl he couldn't live without.

- One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone-Deaf.

- One who when he opens the window in his apartment, more dust blows out than in.

- One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.

[osreb]

A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?, What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old".

The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

[osreb]

I was sitting at the blackjack table distressed and wondering what I was even doing there. Just then, I remembered seeing a sign in the casino that read, "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800- GAMBLER."

I pulled out my cell phone and made the call.

"Gamblers' Anonymous, how can I help you?"

"I have a gambling problem."

"It is good you called I want to acknowledge you for taking a step in the right direction. Now, let's get a bit more specific about your problem."

"Okay. I have an ace and a six. The dealer is showing a seven. What do I do?"