April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

[osreb]

Warn all your male friends!!!


There is no cure..........once it's gone, it's gone!!

[osreb]

don't yank my chain

Know where that expression came from?

Apparently CAME FROM the coal > miners.

They had no bathrooms down in the coal mine tunnel so
consequently they would put a port-a-potty in one of the coal cars.

These cars are usually on a slant so they would detach The car from the
others and put up a chain to hold the car with the potty so it wouldn't
go flying down the mine.

So when someone would get into the potty they > would say to their co-workers,
" DON'T YANK MY CHAIN".

APPARENTLY THAT WAS THEIR ONLY ENTERTAINMENT to yank that chain and watch their buddy go
flying down the shaft while inside the port-a-potty....Now you know everything....

[osreb]

An old Cajun owned a small farm in south Louisiana. The Louisiana Wage & Hours Department Office in Baton Rouge claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent Mr. O’Neal, an agent, out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded O’Neal.

"Well," replied the old Cajun, "there's my farm hand, Hebert, who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board. Mrs. Toups the cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per week plus free room and board.

There's the half-wit Boudreaux. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

O’Neal replied, "That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit, Boudreaux".

"That would be me", replied the old Cajun.

[osreb]

Have you ever wondered what happened to all those
cute and crazy, good looking, young hippie chicks who
did drugs, smoked weed, got tattooed everywhere
and did every guy during the Age of Aquarius back
in the 60's? Pic 1




Well, you need not wonder anymore! pic 10

[osreb]

Little Johnny was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:

1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull foreskin back
4. Pee
5. Push foreskin forward
6. Pull pants up and button up

She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did good.

Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5,3-5,3-5...





Kids are fast learners-------------------------

[osreb]

sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, 'Where did you get that truck???!!!' He calmly told them, 'I bought it today.'

'With what money?' demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

'Well,' said the boy, 'this one cost me just fifteen dollars.' So the parents began to yell even louder. 'Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?' they said.


'It was the lady up the street,' said the boy. I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.'

'Oh my Goodness!,' moaned the mother, 'she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on.' So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!


He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

'Well,' she said, 'this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back.

He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money.

So I did.'

[osreb]

A little boy asks his dad : daddy , whats between my mom legs ?

The father answers : the paradise , my son .

The kid asks again : whats between your legs , daddy ?

The father replies : the key for the paradise .

The son says : daddy , an advice , change the lock , our neighbor has a copy .

[osreb]

Just to kick start your brain:

The 5 Riddles...
THE ANSWERS ARE AT THE BOTTOM.
IT SHARPENS THOSE GENES IN YOUR BRAIN AND STALLS THE ONSET OF ALZHEIMER'S!!

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires. The second is full of assassins with loaded guns. The third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?


2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?


3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and grey when you throw it away?


4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?


5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it. It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!




THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE OF THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:








1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, Yesterday, today, and tomorrow! Or.. Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day!

5. The letter e, the most common letter used in the English language, doesn't appear in the paragraph.

[osreb]

Priceless

Make-up and Hair style..............$500.00
New Dress for the show............$700.00
Giant Stuffed Bear......................$300.00
Not knowing how to hold a Bear with a microphone in your hand...Priceless!!