April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

I found these pics when surfing after i posted the above jail vs work post.

wish i had these pics to go with teh joke.

but I will add them here:

An interesting experiment took place in a Romanian prison for women. The inmates received a total of 6 Canon PowerShot cameras and were taught how to use them. During the first two months, 14.000 photos were taken!

[osreb]

When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.


At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How a quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"


"A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle.


A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.


Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, "appiness!'"


__._,_.___

[osreb]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about
their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding,
and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use your store as our Bridal Registry."

[osreb]

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

[osreb]

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'


MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)



1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Re-dial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

[osreb]

A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???"

The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you."

The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is."

The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"

The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords."

The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?"

The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering."

The guy says, "Dddo it!"

The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!"

The doc replies, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!"

[osreb]

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

[osreb]

Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.


Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.


Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

[osreb]

Here's something to think about.

Like I Said I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, She said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned sixty-something.)


A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh no,' I replied I Quite Smoking 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued
Ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that
all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a
Lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

She looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

[osreb]

Before Chelsea's wedding,
Hillary asked Chelsea... "Have you had sex with Marc?"

Chelsea responded... "Not according to Dad"