April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

1. B o o _ s
2. _ _ n d o m
3. F _ _ k
4. P _ n _ s
5. P u _ s _

Answers Below, Don't cheat































Answers:

1. Books
2. Random
3. Fork
4. Pants
5. Pulse


You got all 5 wrong DIDN'T YOU!!



--

[osreb]

One dark night in the small town of Garfield , NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi , NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italians over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!'

[osreb]

My son told me, "Dad, I would like to have a tattoo."
I told him, "No, nobody has one in our family .. and you are not having one."
He asked me, "Why not? All my friends have a tattoo!"
I told him, "It would be a stain on your body!"
He pleaded with me, "Dad, please, please, just a cartoon character on the belly?"
And after many hours of discussion I gave in and decided to let him.
After all, he was a young man with his own freedom of choice ...
and I thought ...
a cartoon character .... is probably not so bad !

[osreb]

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before her mother could raise a concern, Little Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Little Sally replied, "No...salty."

Mom fainted.

[osreb]

When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger
And staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife

But... After several weeks, my penis had grown fifty centimeters.

I Became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing, and even walking.
So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that,
Though rare, My condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective Surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," Said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

[osreb]

British Petroleum announced today that they will no longer hire Cajuns to help in the oil cleanup.
Thibodeaux, Boudreaux and Fontenot were told to clean as many brown pelicans as they could....

So far, Thibodeaux has cleaned and gutted over 56 birds while Boudreaux made the roux and Fontenot cooked the rice.

[osreb]

1. Chances are - If you think that a woman is beautiful, she will always have a husband, or a boy-friend - to prove it !

2. Chances are - The more beautiful a woman is, the greater the chances that, she may dump you !

3. Chances are - The more make up - a woman wears - she may look proprtionately uglier !

4. Chances are - the man standing next to a beautiful woman and chatting with her, may not be her brother !

5. Chances are - if the woman whom you like, likes you back, she may let you know about her interest in you, after you are married to another lady !

6. Chances are - The more you ignore a woman, the more she would be interested in you !

7. Chances are - The more you chase a woman, the faster she may run away from you !

8. Chances are - The more you like a woman, the more her father will dislike you !

9. Chances are - the number of bullets in the gun owned by the father of the woman you like, maybe directly proportional to the extent of your interest in his daughter !

10. Chances are - when you get a woman to be alone with you, her friend will come to meet her !

11. Chances are - when you get a woman to be alone with you, her friend who comes to meet her, will be a handsome and very exciting male hunk !

12. Chances are - the day, the woman whom you like comes to talk to you, that may be the day when, you are most badly dressed !

13. Chances are - the day, the woman whom you like comes to talk to you, that may be the day when, you forgot to brush your teeth !

14. Chances are - the day, the woman whom you like comes to talk to you, that may be the day when, you forgot to wear body deodarant !

15. Chances are - the day, the woman whom you like comes to talk to you, that may be the day when, you have an itch problem !

16. Chances are - the day, the woman whom you like comes to talk to you, that may be the day when, you have a gas problem in your tummy !

17. Chances are - the day, the woman whom you like comes to talk to you, that may be the day when, your ex-girl friend comes to re-concile with you !

18. Only 35 % of the women in this world are supposed to be beautiful. Chances are that, it is only the balance 65 %, who may be in your company !

[osreb]

A redneck couple from Tennessee, Dave and Rebecca Kosmitis, had 9 children.

They went to the doctor to see about getting Rebecca's tubes tied.

The doctor asked why they wanted the proceedure and then added;
I guess you think that 9 children is enough?

Dave answered; No Doc, we would like to have more but I saw on the news
that 1 out of 10 children born in America today is Mexican.

And we don't want to take a chance in having a Mexican baby because neither
one of us speak Spanish.

[ftwpeeker]

Originally Posted by osreb

1. Chances are - If you think that a woman is beautiful, she will always have a husband, or a boy-friend - to prove it !

2. Chances are - The more beautiful a woman is, the greater the chances that, she may dump you !

3. Chances are - The more make up - a woman wears - she may look proprtionately uglier !

4. Chances are - the man standing next to a beautiful woman and chatting with her, may not be her brother !

5. Chances are - if the woman whom you like, likes you back, she may let you know about her interest in you, after you are married to another lady !

6. Chances are - The more you ignore a woman, the more she would be interested in you !

7. Chances are - The more you chase a woman, the faster she may run away from you !

8. Chances are - The more you like a woman, the more her father will dislike you !

9. Chances are - the number of bullets in the gun owned by the father of the woman you like, maybe directly proportional to the extent of your interest in his daughter !

10. Chances are - when you get a woman to be alone with you, her friend will come to meet her !

11. Chances are - when you get a woman to be alone with you, her friend who comes to meet her, will be a handsome and very exciting male hunk !

12. Chances are - the day, the woman whom you like comes to talk to you, that may be the day when, you are most badly dressed !

13. Chances are - the day, the woman whom you like comes to talk to you, that may be the day when, you forgot to brush your teeth !

14. Chances are - the day, the woman whom you like comes to talk to you, that may be the day when, you forgot to wear body deodarant !

15. Chances are - the day, the woman whom you like comes to talk to you, that may be the day when, you have an itch problem !

16. Chances are - the day, the woman whom you like comes to talk to you, that may be the day when, you have a gas problem in your tummy !

17. Chances are - the day, the woman whom you like comes to talk to you, that may be the day when, your ex-girl friend comes to re-concile with you !

18. Only 35 % of the women in this world are supposed to be beautiful. Chances are that, it is only the balance 65 %, who may be in your company !

guess she liked it ...a lot. would love to more of this if you got it

[osreb]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.