April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

There’s always two sides of every story, good one, lol… ha,ha,…

Two female co-workers are having a conversation at work:

Did you have good sex last night? No. It was a disaster... Husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, got on top of me, finished in 4 minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in 2 minutes.

How about you? - Oh it was amazing... My husband came home. He took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we took a walk for an hour.. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. After foreplay we had an hour long fantastic sex and after sex we talked for an hour. It was like in a fairytale.

At the same time their husbands are talking at work:

Did you have good sex last night? Yes, it was great! I came home dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep.

What about you? - It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity cause I didn't pay the bill. In return I had to take my wife out to dinner and the dinner was so expensive that we didn't have money for a cab so we had to walk home for an hour. I was so angry when we came home that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't cum for another hour.

After I finally did I was so mad and aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep for another hour





__._,_.___

[osreb]

THIS IS A KILLER CALL

"Hello?
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone
down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to
Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?"

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!!
What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he
jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he
didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the
bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?

Is this 486-5731?"

No, this is 486-5713......

Sorry, wrong number!!!!!!!!

[osreb]

Will Rogers was quite the cowboy, with all the wisdom of simple, honest folk. His words still ring with common sense today...

Simple but Brilliant


Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash with his best friend, Wylie Post, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known.

Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco...

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman … Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back..

12 . After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

[osreb]

THIS IS A HOOT, FOR THOSE THAT WERE BORN AND BRED IN KANSAS!

Leave it to Jeff Foxworthy to talk about YOUR beloved state!!
The funny part is......it's all true...every bit of it!! Only in Kansas!!
For those of you who do not know, Jeff Foxworthy’s in-laws live in Derby, Kansas.

Kansas According to Jeff Foxworthy:
If you're proud that your region makes the national news at least 96 times each year
because it's the hottest or the coldest spot in the nation, You might live in Wichita, Kansas.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, You might live in Colby, Kansas.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, You might live in Hays, Kansas .

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number,
You might live in Kansas.


YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Kansan WHEN

'Vacation' means going east or west on I -70 for the weekend...

If you measure distance in hours, You might live in Kansas.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once,
You might live in Medicine Lodge, Kansas.

If you often switch from 'Heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again,
You might live in Fredonia, Kansas.

If you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching,
You might live in Kansas City, Kansas.

If you see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings),
You might live in Great Bend, Kansas.

If you install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked,
You might live in Augusta, Kansas.

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them,
You might live in Manhattan, Kansas.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction,
You might live in Pittsburg, Kansas.

If your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce,
You might live in Derby, Kansas.

If "Going Down South" means Oklahoma, You might live in Coffeyville, Kansas.

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car; You might live in Goodland, Kansas.

If you went there on vacation, and left on probabation, You probably visited Junction City,Kansas

[osreb]

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden.
They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks,
'Do you know what I miss most of all?'
She asks,
'What?'
'Sex!!' he replies
Mildred exclaims,
'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'
'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'
'Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would
Hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled,
'You two-timing son of a b*tch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?'

Old Harold smiled happily and replied,
'Parkinson's."

[osreb]

Mexican Words O f The Day

1. *Cheese*

The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.

Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.

2. *Mushroom*

When all my family get in the car There's not mushroom.



3. *Shoulder*

My fren wants 2 become a citizen, But che didn't know how to read,
So I, shoulder.


4. * Texas *

When I'm not home, My fren always Texas me, Che wonders where I am!



5. *Herpes*

Me and my fren ordered pizza.

I got mine piece. Then che got herpes.

6. *July*

Ju told me ju were going to tha store But ju went to see sum guy,

July to me! Julyer!


7. *Rectum* I had 2 cars. But my wife rectum!



8. *Chicken*

I was going to go to the store with my wife, But che said chicken go herself.


9. *Wheelchair*

We only have one enchilada left, But don't worry wheelchair


10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.


11. *Harassment*

My wife caught me in bed with another women.

I told her, "Honey, harassment nothen to me.


12. * Bishop * My wife fell down the stair
So I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*

I want to go to the club, but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*

That women has a nice body, Budweiser face so ugly?

[osreb]

Women Are Very Difficult to Understand

If you kiss her, You are not a gentleman
If you don't, You are not a man

If you praise her, She thinks you are lying
If you don't, You are good for nothing

If you agree to all her likes, You are a wimp
If you don't, You are not understanding


If you visit her often, She thinks you are boring
If you don't, She accuses you of double-crossing


If you are well dressed, She says you are a playboy
If you don't, You are a dull boy

If you are jealous, She says it's bad
If you don't, She thinks you do not love her

If you attempt a romance, She says you didn't respect her
If you don't, She thinks you do not like her

If you are a minute late, She complains it's hard to wait
If she is late, She says that's a girl's way

If you visit another man, You're not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls"


If you kiss her once in a while, She professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, She yells that you are taking advantage



If you stare at another woman, She accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, She says that they are just admirin



If you talk, She wants you to listen
If you listen, She wants you to talk



In short:

So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
So damning, yet so wonderful... .....WOMEN!

[osreb]

If you are 50, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of fifty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car.. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!



And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!



And car seats - oh, please! Mom t hr ew you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!



See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 50 Crowd
(Send this to someone you'd like to make smile)

[osreb]

STOLEN CAR

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling

back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,

"Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging
out of his fly for all the world to see..

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without

Missing a beat, blurts out....

"Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

[osreb]

from the mouths of children
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'


2) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle.'


3) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'