April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.

Could we please do it one more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, ‘Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.. Do you think we could...'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

[osreb]

Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc. She's awfully cold."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... Okay."

He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.

Then an inspiration strikes... He drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..."

His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too"

[osreb]

THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!


Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.


Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'


Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.


Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they
take your house and car with them.


Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...


BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS


Q: What is a man's Utimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

[osreb]

postcards from EX-wives

[osreb]

Being Jewish...
Q: What is a Jewish ménage-a-trois
A: Two headaches and an erection.

Q: Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage?
A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't
have to hear about the way his mother cooked

Q: What business is a yenta in?
A: Yours.

Q: How do Jewish wives get their children ready for supper?
A: They put them in the car.

Q: What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish woman?
A: Plaintiff

Q: What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft
and her nails long?
A: Nothing at all

Q: Define "genius"
A: An average student with a Jewish mother

Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat

Q: What do you call the nipple on a Jewish wife's breast?
A: The tip of the iceberg

Q: What mechanical device causes the most arousal in a
Jewish woman?
A: A Mercedes 550SL convertible

Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but
she'll never forget what she forgave."

One of life's mysteries - how a 2 Ib. box of chocolates can
make a Jewish woman gain 5 lbs.

Another of life's mysteries is when a Jewish woman hangs
something in her wardrobe for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

The trouble with some Jewish women is that they get all
excited about nothing; then they marry him.

A Bar Mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes
to realize that he is more likely to own a professional sports team
than he is to play for one.

[osreb]

Just wanted to let you guys know that the New Homeland Security Bill has passed. Things will be different now and Internet surfing as you know it will be tracked by what the FBI calls a 'nonintrusive method.' The FBI says you will hardly notice anything different..
For a demonstration, click on the link below:

http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/

[osreb]

The South - You Gotta Love It

Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Louisiana
A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."

Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep", he replied. "That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."

***

You can say what you want about the South,
But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.

***** FAKE PIC REMOVED *****

[osreb]

Why I'm a Saints fan....

cause I get to sit next to the babe in pic 1 the games.
*********************************************

Cajun in Hell

A Cajun who died went to hell.
The devil assigned him the usual punishment...put him in the mass pit where the heat was melting others.
The devil came back sometime later surprised to find the Cajun just sitting around, not even misting, much
less sweating.
"How come you're not so much as sweating here where everyone else is screaming for relief from the heat?"

The Cajun laughed and said,
"Man, I was raised in the bayous of Sout Looziana. Dis ain't nothin' but May in Morgan City to me!"

The devil decided to really put the Cajun through it.
He put him in a sealed off cave in the pit with open blazes and four extra furnaces blasting.
When he came back, days later, the Cajun was sitting pretty, had barely begun to bead up with sweat.
The devil was outraged.

"How is this possible!? You should be melted to a shrieking puddle in these conditions!."

The Cajun laughed even harder than before.
"Hey, man! I done tole you. I was raised in Sout Looziana. You tink dis is heat? Dis ain't nothin' but August in Cow Island !"

So the devil thought, 'Alright, a little reverse ought to do the trick.'
He put the Cajun into a corner of hell where no heat ever reached.
It was freezing and to add to the Cajun's misery, he added massive icebergs and blasting frozen air.
When he returned, the Cajun was shivering, ice hung from every part of him but he was grinning like it was Christmas.

Exasperated, the devil asked "HOW!? How is it possible?! You're impervious to heat and here you sit in conditions
you can't be used to....freezing cold and yet you're happier than if you were in heaven. WHY?!"

The Cajun kept grinning and asked, "Don't dis mean de Saints won da Super Bowl?"

[osreb]

Cannon Balls.

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships.. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.

Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey.. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it.

The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled..

Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.

And all this time, people thought that was just a vulgar expression?

You must send this fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least a few intellectual friends.

Regards to all ..and remember if you are ever defeated..you will have to walk on stumps...

[osreb]

Blonde's Diary On A Cruise

DIARY: DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.

DIARY: DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

DIARY: DAY 3

At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DIARYAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him i could not be unfaithful to my husband.


DIARY: DAY 5

Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again i declined. He told me if i did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship.i was shocked.


DIARY: DAY 6

Today i saved 1600 lives.
Twice.