April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Optical Illusion: What Do You See in the first pic?





Well, what did you see first?

Arse or Armpit?



Look again!!

[osreb]

Why a good writer is so important to have around:

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889. Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters sent back the following biographical sketch:

"Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."


And THAT is how it's done folks!

[Geomic]

In my last post, at first the post did not download because I have them in Word format.

I then changed them to plain text format (as indicated on the manage attachments area), and they still did not show as they should be!

So could someone out there let me know what format I should convert then to, before posting them on this form.

Geomic

[Fango]

Originally Posted by Geomic

In my last post, at first the post did not download because I have them in Word format.

I then changed them to plain text format (as indicated on the manage attachments area), and they still did not show as they should be!

So could someone out there let me know what format I should convert then to, before posting them on this form.

Geomic

You can just copy and paste the text into the body of the post. Anyway, your post was deleted because you posted pictures with children. Please do not repost those pictures.

Fango

[osreb]

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large
farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back,
fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some
apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and
fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it
over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some
fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young
women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all
went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not
coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't
come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you
get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to
feed the alligator.'

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

[Geomic]

Mod. first, Apologies for the pics in my last post. Their removal was fair enough & I should've known better.
Second, thnxs for the advice on posting text jokes.
So, here is a few more which will be OK.

1. Wine and Water

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine..and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli,
(E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming
1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when
Drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whisky or other liquor), because alcohol has to go through a purification
Process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop, Wine = Health .

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.

2. Two guy’s discussing the theory of Intelligence....

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

3. What is the difference between girls aged:
8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 +

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

and a couple of Pics Jokes to finish off for tonight.

Geomic

[osreb]

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
&nbs p;
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this--ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well..

20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Bud Light than Kay

__._,_.___

[Fango]

Originally Posted by osreb

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Love this one: https://forum.oneclickchicks.com/atta...6&d=1257914089

Thanks

Fango

[osreb]

Sketch Time

A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a naked man.

As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches he noticed that a sexy young coed had sketched the man with an erect penis.

The professor commented, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way."

She replied, "What other way?"



--

[osreb]

Well it's finally happened..


...Sunglasses are now bigger than bikinis!

and I bet you never noticed.