April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was
planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave
because he is so popular. Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in
Newton and Brookline , stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will
provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van
to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the
rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a
foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi
stays, I will give him sex!" There is total silence. The rabbi, blushing asks
her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you
to say that?"

Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side,
while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and
he said, "Fuck him."

[osreb]

Military Rules of Engagement

Marine Corps Rules

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a '4.'
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend.
(Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover and concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

Navy SEALS Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.& nbsp;
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.

US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask 'What is a gunfight?'
5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7.. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally. .
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption..

(And I Love This Next One)

US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines




.

[osreb]

Cheating


Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.


"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough," commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a b*tch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."


"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that's awful!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"


The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "But do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground."

[osreb]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
young mothers and their husbands. 'You all have obsessions, he
observed.'

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating..
You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann, 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, 'Your obsession is alcohol. This
too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy..'

At this point, the fourth Mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no
idea what he's talking about. Lets pick up Peter and Willy from school
and go get dinner.'

[osreb]

More Little Johnny.....

Little Johnny's teacher asked him to spell the worth "straight." Johnny spelled it without error.

"Now," she said, "tell me what it means."

Little Johnny replied, "Without water."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++++++




Little Johnny had gotten in trouble in Sunday School one too many times and was sent to talk to the minister.

The minister asked him, "Johnny, do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?"

"Yes, sir," he answered. "Out behind the garage."

__________________________________________________ ______________________________

Little Johnny's mom had been away for a week and was questioning him about what had happened during her absence.

"Well," said Johnny, "one night we had a terrible thunderstorm and it got so bad that I got scared so Daddy and me slept together."

"Johnny," said his pretty French au pain, "you mean 'Daddy and I.'"

Johnny said, "No, I don't. That was last Thursday, the storm was on Monday."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

teacher: So class; an abstract noun is something you can think of but not touch. Who can give me an example?

Little Johnny: "Your tits."

[osreb]

News You Won't Believe Is Real

1.Water on the Moon?!!
India's Space Agency has discovered that there's a ton of water on the moon, mixed in with the dirt on the lunar surface. More shocking than that though: India has a space agency!

2.Gun Safety Kills People
A Missouri man named James Looney (not kidding) was demonstrating gun safety to his girlfriend by pointing guns at his head and pulling the trigger, and he accidentally shot himself in the head. On the same day in Missouri, a woman suddenly realized that her boyfriend was a complete dumbf*ck.

3.Coffee wh*r*s
A bunch of baristas at a bikini coffee shop in Washington have been charged with prostitution following claims by undercover detectives that the women would flash their tits and vaginas at customers in exchange for money. In a related story, people now hate Washington cops more than ever before.

4.Dwarfland
A dwarf community in China has gone Disney on everyone. They've started living in mushroom huts, dressing in fairy tale costumes, and charging admission for people to walk through their neighborhood. Because nothing makes your kids feel more at home than a bearded person their size dressed in a stupid costume and casually eating the weird parts of a chicken after getting home from a 17-hour day at the Miniature Nike Factory.

5.TVs for Rats
The government of Bangladesh rewarded a farmer who killed 83k rats over the last nine months with a color television set. The happy prize winner is quoted saying, "This is an exciting moment. I will continue to kill them. I only have to kill 60K more to get the VCR, and then I can finally watch the VHS copy of Ferris Bueller's Day Off that I've had since 1993."

6.Germans Suck at Sex
15,000 women were polled online and asked to rate their sex partners based on their nationality. The poll found that German men were rated the worst because they're "too smelly", English men tend to be lazy in bed, and Swedes finish too early. The study also found that European women need to get off their high-horses and stop being so overly critical, because maybe they weren't all that great either. Did they ever think about that? No, they probably didn't, because it's always about what they want, isn't it? That is so typical.

[osreb]

Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...

If a chef cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,
he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,
your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk,
he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners,
you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman,
you blame the gun manufacturer.


And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet,
and the passengers kill him instead,
the mother of the deceased blames the airline.


I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.
So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer,
I want you to blame Bill Gates...okay?

[osreb]

Baseball: This is a game played by two teams, one out the other in. The one that's in, sends players out, one at a time, to see if they can get in before they get out. If they get out before they get in, they come in, but it doesn't count. If they get in before they get out it does count.

When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before they get in without being out, the team that's out comes in and the team in goes out to get those going in out before they get in without being out.

When both teams have been in and out nine times the game is over. The team with the most in without being out before coming in wins unless the ones in are equal. In which case, the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they get in without being out.

The game will end when each team has the same number of ins out but one team has more in without being out before coming in.


__._,_.___

[osreb]

GRANDMA AND GRANDPA WERE WATCHING A RELIGIOUS HEALING PROGRAM ON TV.....
THE EVANGELIST CALLED TO ALL WHO WANTED TO BE HEALED, TO PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON THE BODY PART THEY WANTED HEALED...

GRANDMA HOBBLED TO THE TV AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HER ARTHRITIC HIP..
GRANDPA MADE HIS WAY TO THE SET AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HIS CROTCH...

GRANDMA LOOKED AT HIM WITH DISGUST: "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU OLD COOT.....THE PURPOSE OF THIS PROGRAM IS TO HEAL THE SICK, NOT RAISE THE DEAD.

[osreb]

Dear Dr Phil,


When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own litt le fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies.

As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested.

Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.

What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby, or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
Thanks,

PS Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught. (see pic 1)

________________________________________

Dear Fisherman,
Get rid of that narrow minded wife.
That's a nice pair of bass!

Sincerely,
Dr. Phil