April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Swine Flu Symptoms
In order that you may be on the alert for indications that you or members of your family may have contracted the Swine Flu Virus, you should be aware of the symptoms associated with this disease. Be especially alert to #5.

1. Sore throat
2. Slight headache.
3. Moderate to high temperature.
4. Nausea or upset stomach.
5. An uncontrollable urge to have sex in the mud.

[osreb]

HELL OF AN ANSWER

The following is an actual question given on a University of Liverpool chemistry final exam.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet,

Which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.


Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's law

That gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that, if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay constant, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added. This
gives two possibilities:

& nbsp; 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose..

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Sandra during my freshman year, that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is endothermic and has already frozen over.. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is extinct.... Leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being - which explains why, last night, Sandra kept shouting "Oh my God."



THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

[osreb]

The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

[osreb]

.
A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee
sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help
and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked,
"Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where", he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said,
"Then your stance is too wide."

[osreb]

Mother Superior called all the nuns togather,
'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay

[osreb]

IN PRISON You spend most of your time in a 10X10 cell
@ WORK You spend most of your time in a 6X6 cubicle
IN PRISON You get three fully paid for meals a day
@ WORK You get a break for one meal, and you have to pay for it
In PRISON For good behavior, you get time off
@ WORK For good behavior, you get more work
IN PRISON The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
@ WORK You must carry a security card and open all the doors yourself
In PRISON You can watch TV and play games
@ WORK You could get fired for watching TV and playing games
In PRISON You get your own toilet
@ WORK You have to share the toilet with people who pee on the seat
IN PRISON They allow your family and friends to visit
@ WORK You aren't even supposed to speak to your family
In PRISON All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required on your part
@ WORK You must pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners
In PRISON You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
@ WORK You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars
In PRISON You must deal with sadistic wardens
@ WORK They are called 'managers'

>>

[osreb]

Question

What Gets Longer When Pulled, Fits Between Boobs, Inserts Neatly in a Hole, AND Works Best When Jerked?




Scroll down.....










A Seatbelt you Pervert! Buckle Up!

[osreb]

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the store picking out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not stopped by this and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store doing some shopping. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer said, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh I'm sorry. How did he die?"

"I think it was the spin cycle."

[osreb]

An Indian migrated to America , and moved into an American neighbourhood;

His American neighbour went next door to wish him welcome.He was shocked to see the man from India in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself.


Deciding he could put off the welcome till a later date, he went home.

The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Indian man again.

When he looked through his window, he saw the Indian man urinate into a cup and drink it. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till the next day, he went on with other stuff.


The third day, he was determined to welcome the Indian man. At his gate, he saw the Indian man with his ear pressed against a cow's big fat butt.

Seeing this, he became disgusted and went up to the Indian man.

"I'm sorry sir, I did want to wish you a warm welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy Indian customs!" He yelled at the Indian .


The Indian looked confused and answered. "Sorry sir, I think you are mistaken. These are actually American customs. I was told, that in order to be a true American, you have to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bullshit

[osreb]

Jose and Carlos are beggars. They beg in different areas of town.
Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects
about $8.00 or $9.00 a day. Jose bring home a suitcase full of ten
dollar bills every day, he drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free
house, and has a lot of money to spend.

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as
you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills
every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos' sign reads; "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."
"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.

"No wonder you only get $8.00 or $9.00 a day!" Jose replies.

Carlos says, "Alright, what does your sign say?"

Jose's sign reads, "I only need another ten dollars to get back to Mexico."