April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Dumb Male Blonde Joke
Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking
and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last
week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth
of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have
a fridge big enough to keep it in!"
The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but
says his wife is thicker." Just last week, she went out
and spent $17000 on a new car" he laments, "and she
doesn't even know how to drive!"
The third, a blond male, nods sagely and agrees that
these two women sound like they both walked through
the stupid forest and got hit by every
branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber." I
have to laugh every time I think about it," he
chuckles. "Last week my wife left on a vacation to Greece.
I watched her packing her bags and she must
have taken at least 5 boxes of condoms with her.
She doesn't even have a penis!"

[osreb]

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?"

"Flat on his arse over by the holy water," the boy informed him.

[osreb]

SKIPPING CHURCH
================

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an
exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he
just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and
persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton
headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.

This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew
from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone.
After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in
church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while
looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going
to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight
towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell
into the hole.

IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked,
"Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

[osreb]

Bad day at Hallmark

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
'What the hell was I thinking?'


Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )


So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay


I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

[gcannon]

Doctor takes advantage

A man with a lifelong studdering problem has seen every speech pathologist, therapist, you name it, all to no avail.

He finally decides to simply see his regular doctor and see if he can help. "DDDD...oc..ttt..er...y...y.....ou have to..to..to.. help me...nnnnnuu...tttttttthhhhh..ing has worked for me"

The doctor tells him how this is not his area of expertise and that he should continue to seek professional speech therapy, but, he was perfectly happy to give him an exam. The Doctor has him undress and immediately sees the man has a penis the size of a horse. The Doctor says, "I think I know your problem, your penis and testicles are so huge they are actually pulling on your muscles and tendons all the way up to your vocal cords. A simple penis reduction operation will cure you completely."

The man says, "DDDD...oc..ttt..er...rrr...rrr..rrr. you....ssss..ure..?" The doctor quickly replies, "oh yes, I am completely sure, this will fix your studdering problem."

The surgery is a success and the man's speech is totally normal. On a follow up visit to the same doctor he's over joyed his speech is normal, "Doctor I can't thank you enough, I can finally talk like everyone else now, you have changed my life. The only problem I have now is well....I didn't realize you were going to give me such a small penis, all my girl friends are laughing at me now"

The Doctor replies, "FFFF...uuuccc...kkkk....yyyy..oooouuu....a dddeeael's... a deal"

[osreb]

Thanks for posting - gcannon;


The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day,she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With YOU!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

[osreb]

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot.


The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.'

'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?'

The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' Gyprock...'

Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn 't it?

[osreb]

HAVE MET HER, HAVEN'T YOU?
SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

[osreb]

First Date

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face."

[osreb]

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect
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