The Great Bride Thread

[osreb]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I
sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says,
"Hung Chow, I really need you today !

You know something , When I feel this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me
sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that "
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.

"I do what you say, feel great. I be work soon.....you got nice house."

[osreb]

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.


His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.'

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,

' How did she know that you drink Budweiser ? '

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,


'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real b*tch this time.'


BOB's funeral will be on Friday.

[osreb]

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?'
She hit me.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

[osreb]

While discussing the Kinsey Reports in a human sexuality course, the class gasped as the instructor read that one woman had several hundred orgasms in a single sexual session. "Wow," a male student said, "who was she?" A female student responded, "The hell with her. Who was he?"
================================================== ===================

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."
She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine.
In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"
================================================== ================

A man whose wife had just given birth to their first child was visiting the hospital nursery to see his new son.
As the proud father was admiring his handsome baby through the glass partition, he could not help but notice that the baby in the next bassinet seemed frail and sickly-looking by comparison.
Just then a nurse went walking by and the man stopped her for a moment.
"What's the matter with that little fellow?" he asked.
"He seems awfully puny and underweight."
"He's one of those artificial insemination babies," explained the nurse, and he's been coming along rather slowly, I'm afraid."
"Well, that sort of confirms a theory of mine," said the man.
"What's that?" asked the nurse.
Replied the man with a smile., ... "Spare the rod and spoil the child,"
================================================== ===============

[osreb]

After nearly 45 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't done in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he procee ded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a lovig voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

I found the remote," he mumbled.

[osreb]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

(Loved this one!)

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a

' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

[osreb]

DIVORCE VS. MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the
pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like
to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my
license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things
will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

[osreb]

Needing help to take a pee...

[osreb]

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling. Take celibacy

This can be a choice, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Awareness Weekend, Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare

“It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He addressed the men. “Can you each name your wife’s favourite flower?”

Robert leaned over, touched Mary’s arm gently and whispered,

“Self raising, isn’t it?”

Thus began Robert’s life of celibacy

[osreb]

GIRLS REACTION TO PENIS SIZES
9 INCHES - Oh Shit, pain!!
7 INCHES - Oh, I'm in heaven
6 INCHES - OH PERFECT
5 INCHES - UMMMM OK
4 INCHES - PUSH MORE
3 INCHES - IS THAT IN???
2 INCHES - IDIOT!! JUST USE YOUR TONGUE!!

AGES OF VAGINA:
16 TO 19 BRAND NEW.
20 TO 28 SLIGHTLY USED
29 TO 36 SECOND HAND
37 TO 45 SUBJECT TO REPAIR
46 TO 55 FOR LUBRICATION
56 TO 60 TOTAL WRECK
61 TO 70 CLOSED FOR RENOVATION!!