my favs

[bbgapril]

"No, but why do you say that I live here?"
"Well, Mr. Tom sure likes you, and he only likes people who feed him, also I heard you click the safety off of a very special spray device I gave Little Smokey. Thats chemical Mace and CS Teargas in that spray, one squirt would send the toughest guy to the hospital. My wife has the only other one I know of."
She blushed..she's cute as all hell.

[bbgapril]

"No, he'll be back soon, he just had to run a few errands. you can come in if you like, I'll make some coffee, or whatever while we wait."
We exchanged pleasantries and I looked around the place, it has changed significantly since my last visit six months ago.

[bbgapril]

First of all, the home was not decorated the frilly, Hampton Home type it had been when he was with "Karen" the rolly poly controlling girl, secondly there were pictures of my son and this new lady all over the place, and they were obviously pictures of outings and good times

[bbgapril]

We sat over a cup of coffee and talked, she was a gem indeed. Laura seemed to be a great fit for not only him but our family, a bone of contention with the previous girl and caused us not to visit. She never said we were unwelcome, she just never made us welcome. She pissed my youngest daughter off so bad that she de-friended her ( however important that is)

[bbgapril]

I found out they met at work, that he had already kicked Karen to the curb when they met, and they shared a love of the outdoors. She liked motorcycles, but not the crotch rocket type, she shot guns, and she spent four years in the Airforce to help pay for her college.
She evidently knew about our family and Little Smokie had told her many things about us. She wanted to meet us, but Little Smokie wanted to wait for Halloween to bring her there, kind of as a surprise, and a peace offering for the hurt feelings we had over the past relationship.

[bbgapril]

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty
22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear,
takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.

A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No
one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can
rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend
over, and I'll do you in the ass."

The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his
trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do.
After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and
staggers back into town. He's pretty mad.

He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same
bear, aims,
and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A
moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,

"You know what to do."

Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town,
and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest,
sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks
him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over
him and says,

"You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"
__________________

[bbgapril]

What did the Zen Master say to the Hot Dog Vendor?

"Make me one with everything!"

[bbgapril]

A Guy walks into a bar with an octopus, tells the bartender, "Hey, hire me. My talking octopus will bring in customers!".

Bartender says, "Big deal, talking animals. We've had talking horses, dogs, fish, birds...get out of here with your stupid octopus."

Guy says, "Wait, my octopus can play any instrument like a virtuoso!".

Bartender points to piano, says "Let's see him do something on the keyboard."

Octopus goes over to piano, starts playing with eight arms, sounds like four concert pianists jamming. Bartender yells over to live band, to bring over a guitar. Octopus plays incredible music, sounds like three guitar masters playing. Bartender says, give him a trumpet, octopus plays jazz with blinding fury over six octave range.

Scotsman over in the corner says "'Wait just a wee minute, let's us see 'im do somethin' wi' me bagpipes". Scotsman hands over his pipes to the octopus.

Octopus coils and flops and grabs all over the bagpipes, nothing coming out but occasional off-key honks and burps and toots.

Bartender says "Haha, look at him flounder! He doesn't know how to play those!".

Octopus looks up from his struggles and says "Play it? As soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it!"

[bbgapril]

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a
break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.


One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

[bbgapril]

When doing chores around the house, remember not to forget to clean the windows