April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour,sir ."

The driver says, "Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,

"Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. '

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. '

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? '

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? "

I love this part.......

"Only when he's been drinking."

[ess125]

Originally Posted by osreb

A redneck couple from Tennessee, Dave and Rebecca Kosmitis, had 9 children.

They went to the doctor to see about getting Rebecca's tubes tied.

The doctor asked why they wanted the proceedure and then added;
I guess you think that 9 children is enough?

Dave answered; No Doc, we would like to have more but I saw on the news
that 1 out of 10 children born in America today is Mexican.

And we don't want to take a chance in having a Mexican baby because neither
one of us speak Spanish.

A very pretty girl

[Flair port]

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS


God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'


So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'


Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments..'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'



There. That, should piss off just about everybody.....

[osreb]

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship
And orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'
The bartender says 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink
The woman to her right says
'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says
'Thank you.
Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up' says the bartender
As she finishes that drink,
The man to her left says
'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says
'Thank you.
Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink,he says
'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies
'Sonny, when you're my age,
You've learned how to hold your liquor...
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

[osreb]

Women are like I-phone: You have to touch them all over before they respond

Men are like Blackberries: Touch one ball and everything moves

[osreb]

Louisiana Ghost Story (true story)

This happened about 6 months ago on Louisiana Hwy 57, just outside of Dulac, a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

An Ohio businessman, Saul Rubins, abandoned his disabled vehicle on the side of the road, and attempted to hitchhike. The night was pitch dark in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly, through the sheets of rain, he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped. Desperately needing a ride, Saul jumped in the car and closed the door. Only then did he realize that there was no one behind the wheel and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.

Again the car crept silently forward and Saul was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.. He saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the bayou and he would then drown!

But just before the curve, a shadowy hand appeared at the driver's window, reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and Saul was alone again.

Paralyzed with fear, Saul watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally, scared nearly to death, Saul had all he could take, jumped out of the car, and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into Schmoopy's. Voice quavering, he ordered two cups of coffee, black, and then told everybody about his supernatural experience. The room became silent and everybody got goose bumps when they realized Saul was telling the truth and was not just some drunk.

About 30 minutes later two Cajuns, dripping wet, walked into Schmoopy's and one says to the other,
" Look, Boudreaux, ders dat idiot what rode in our car when we wuz pushin' it in da rain!!!"

[osreb]

A Cajun was in Mexico. I don’t know how he got there but he was there and he wanted to have some spicy Cajun food. He found a hamburger stand that promised Cajun spicy hamburgers. He got one. They were so spicy it burned his mouth. He said this is wonderful.

The Cajun asked how his burger was so hot. The cook told him it was the mayonnaise. The Cajun said he had never had that kind of mayonnaise. The cook said it was Mexican mayonnaise. It was jalapeño mayonnaise. The Cajun bought ten jars of jalapeño mayonnaise to take back to Louisiana.

The Cajun’s friends tried the jalapeño mayonnaise and loved it. They all wanted some and it was not lone before the Cajun had no more but they all wanted more. They went to the corner store and Spoke with Boudrow to see if he could get some more. The Cajuns promised iy would sell. Boudrow ordered ten cases. The day after the ten cases arrived it was all sold.

Boudrow sent a country Cadillac (that’s a pickun up truck) to Mexico to bring back a load of jalapeño mayonnaise. The loaded pickum up truck returned with the jalapeño mayonnaise. Cajuns came from all around to buy and it it was sold in less than a week.

Boudrow had found a wonderful product to sell. He ordered a shipload of jalapeño mayonnaise. The ship was loaded with jalapeño mayonnaise and sailed for New Orleans. As the jalapeño mayonnaise ship sailed across the Gulf of Mexico there was a terrible storm and the jalapeño mayonnaise ship sank. The Cajuns and Mexicans were horrified that the crew, the ship and the jalapeño mayonnaise was lost

The Mexicans thought they should do something to memorialize the event so they began a Mexican holiday. It was:









Down







Down

















































Sinko De Mayo

[Swimashore]

I'm not joking, this is dead serious.

While I was working as a paramedic I had a call to the local convent for one of the nuns. The strangest Social Security card I ever saw was:

"Communautés religieuses - Vieillesse, Maladie, et Maternité."

Work that one out.

[Swimashore]

I asked the new girl serving in the chemist shop to give me an "Oral."

She ran out the back screaming.

[osreb]

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