my favs

[bbgapril]

A young man wanted to go to the Saturday night costume party dressed as the Devil. He rented Costume 4, and totally looked the part.

He had a great time at the party, danced and drank all night and decided to head toward home around 5:30 am.

He got in his car and found his battery dead. No problem, Triple A is just a call away. No cell phone. It was on the kitchen table at his condo.

He decided to get some zzz's then use the phone in the local church just down the street. When the church bells rang 11:00 he headed over to borrow the phone.

He mistakenly walked into the Narthex wearing all his evil attire. The Pastor saw him, screamed and ran the other way out of the Sanctuary.

[bbgapril]

The Choir saw him next and followed suit, screaming and running as fast as their feet would take them.

Then the entire congregation caught sign of The Devil and started a stampede out the building.

An elderly man just as frightened as anyone found himself stuck on the end of a pew, his suspenders almost wrapping him into the pew with no chance of an exit.

As The Devil continued walking up the aisle toward the elderly man, the old man turned around and looked The Devil right in the face and said.

"Stop! You need to know something important. I've been a member of this church for 63 years now but I've been on your side the whole time."

[philipmorrisone]

great pix

[bbgapril]

First Witch: "What are you doing?

Second Witch: "I am making a special Halloween potion that requires eye of a werewolf, gizzard of a ghoul, liver of a vampire, horn from a unicorn, and heart of a lawyer.

So far, I have everything I need except the heart of a lawyer."

First Witch: "Good luck!"

[bbgapril]

Little Johnny and his band of 9-year-old gang members dressed up like pirates this one Halloween.

They rang the doorbell of this really nice man and after yelling “trick or treat”, the nice man said directly to Little Johnny, “So, where are your buccaneers?”

Little Johnny in his usual tone said, “They’re on my buccan head you fool.”

[bbgapril]

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.

After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.

The passenger screamed, "Look at he window. There's an old ghost's face there!"

The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window.

The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"

The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.

The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now."

All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.

"There he is again," the passenger yelled.

He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked.

The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"

They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"

The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?”

[bbgapril]

Halloween Definitions

Bobbing Apples:
What happens when you leave your bra off while running.

Full Moon:
What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.

Goblin:
How you eat the Snickers Bars you got for Halloween.

Pumpkin Patch:
What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.

[bbgapril]

20 WAYS TO CONFUSE TRICK-OR-TREATERS

1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)

2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.

3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.

[bbgapril]

4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!" Act like it's a surprise party.

5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.

6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

8. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"

[bbgapril]

9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run around the house, screaming until they go away.

10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.

11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.

13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.