April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him.
They believed he practiced magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the funeral.
After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.
And I know he won't ask for directions."

[Anony]

One Track Mind

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, “Excuse me, did you want that cart?”

“No,” he answered. “I’m only after one thing.”

As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, “Typical male.”


***** HARDCORE PIC REMOVED *****

[osreb]

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.

[sooty]

Here is a photo of a "plaque" on the wall at our fishing club that most of you will appreciate and of course a selection of nudes to go with it.

[osreb]

He didn't like the casserole,
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't prepare the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Isn't there anything I could do
To match his mothers shoe
Then I smiled as I saw light
One thing I could definitely do
I turned around and slapped the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to!!!!!

Cheers!!

[osreb]

An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel Special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight.

After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.


Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said,

"How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black."

[osreb]

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband
decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife,
with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side underworld figure
who went by the name of 'Artie.'
Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out of a spouse was $10,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand
until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something
up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco Warehouse.
There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor,
the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.
Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial
arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.


The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared..

(You're going to hate me for this...)

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 at Costco

Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then post it.

[osreb]

I'm sending this note from the police station.

I had a little problem at the supermarket earlier today.

I was at the checkout and the cashier said "strip down, facing me".

Apparently she was talking about my debit card.

[osreb]

Is there is a message in pic 1?

A Warning of some sort, maybe?

Or a final statement in an argument?

What do you think?

[osreb]

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.