April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.


Cashier: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?

Cowboy: NAH ... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY! (ouch!)

[osreb]

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"

My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

[osreb]

You are on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed.


On your right side is a sharp drop off,


And on your left side is an Elephant traveling at the same speed as you.


Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.


Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.


What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?



See answer below.







Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

[osreb]

Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at

night and sew your clothes tighter...

MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE SHITS.

[osreb]

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.

Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach.
However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,
"Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,
"Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther.
Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and Master Card this month?", he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

[osreb]

1 He said to me. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

I said to him. You wear pants don't you?


2 He said to me . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

I said to him. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart.


3 He said to me. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

I said to him . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


4 He said to me. Why don't women blink during foreplay?

I said to him. They don't have time.


5 He said to me. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

I said to him. I don't know; it has never happened.


6 He said to me. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?

I said to him . They already have boyfriends.


7 He said to me. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

I said to him. A widow.


8 He said to me. Why are married women heavier than single women? I said to him. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed....Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[osreb]

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.
I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!
It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!
At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! And,
sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.

[osreb]

Some humor pics...

***** BURNING MAN PICS REMOVED *****

[bored4now]

does anyone have more of the 2 girls in thongs from osrebs last post. the second picture.

[sooty]

It is getting harder to find new jokes so if you are looking for something amusing try the Caption Pics thread as some of the posts are quite good. https://forum.oneclickchicks.com/show...11#post1224011

Also I have found a few photos that I could use with older jokes to give them new life such as these 4 plus one that I thought came out well