April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Four old gents were discussing the results of their golf games.

The first guy said, "I had three riders today."

The second bent over guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."

The third old man said, "I did about the same. I had seven riders, the same
as last time."

The last one said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today. Aren't you
fellers proud of me"?

After they went into the men's locker room, a lady club member that had
heard the old gents talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I
have been playing golf here for a lot of years and thought I knew all the
terminology of the game, but what in the world is a rider"?

The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the
golf cart and ride to it."

***** PRO PICS REMOVED *****

[osreb]

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?

Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

[Dogseye]

A bloke goes into a bar and there are two great big fat women drinking pints at a table. They are talking with a Scot's accent that you could cut with a knife. He thinks to himself he wouldn't mind a bit of size for a change so he tries to start up a conversation.
"Excuse me, but are you two ladies from Scotland?"
One replies, "Wales, you dummy."
"Oh I'm sorry. In that case, are you two whales from Scotland?"

[osreb]

Happy Easter to all at OCC

[osreb]

pic 1: Razorback Fan in support of fired coach.

[sooty]

There have been very few jokes going around lately so will try posting this cartoon that I found stored in my emails. The type seems quite small so may have to provide the text after uploading. Before that I will mention a couple of my brother's sayings that have made me laugh in the past.

1. He's as happy as a dog with 2 dicks.

2. That guy must have 2 dicks. No-one could get that stupid playing with only one.

Another funny one was at a family gathering where his alsatian dog kept getting in our mother's way and she said "Brutus! If you don't get out of the way I will give you a foot up the bum." to which my brother added "Gee, I wish that I could say that."

Also added a few smiling faces to help you smile

[osreb]

For all of you with any money left after this awful year, be aware of the
next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make
some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2012:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace
Co. .. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become: Poly-Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge
and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will call their newcompany
: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally....

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang

***** PRO PIC REMOVED *****

[osreb]

Standing in line at the clothing store's counter, I watched as the woman ahead of me handed the clerk her credit card. The customer waited for a long time while the saleswoman went to verify the account.
When she finally returned, the clerk said, "I'm sorry, but this card is in your husband's name, and we can't accept it because the records show he is deceased."
With that, the woman turned to her spouse, who was standing next to her and asked, "Does this mean I don't have to fix lunch for you today?"
=======================================
I stopped at one of the local Grocery Store last night, and placed to order a
quart of potato salad. "We don't sell it by the quart," the clerk snapped. "Okay, then give me two pints, please," I replied.
I'm proud to say I held my tongue when she asked, "Do you want it in one container?"
==========================

[osreb]

Very eloquently put.............don't you think?

Maxine on "Driver Safety" "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.".......

Maxine on "Lawn Care" "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

Maxine on "The Perfect Man" "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed.."

Maxine on "Technology Revolution" "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."

Maxine on "Aging" "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."

[osreb]

A fellow was sitting on the lawn reading, when he was startled by a late model car crashing through a hedge and coming to rest on his lawn. He helped the elderly driver out and sat him on a lawn chair. "My goodness," he exclaimed, "You are quite old to be driving!"

"Yes," he replied," I am old enough that I don't need a license anymore. Last time I went to my doctor he examined me, and asked if I had a driving license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw them in the wastebasket.

"You won't be needing that anymore," he said.

So I thanked him and left.