April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[buddy i con]

NASA photo of recent solar activity.

[osreb]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Bill said, “I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?”
Larry replied, “I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?”
___________________________________________

[Dogseye]

The bishop decides to give all the vicars in his dioscese a day off so he pays for a coach trip to the sea. On the way back the bus runs off the road and three vicars and their wives are killed. They go floating off up top and reach the pearly gates where St Peter is waiting.
The first vicar asks, "Can we come in."
- "What, you greedy slob," says St Peter. "All you ever did was stuff your fat face with food. You're so fond of food you even married a woman called Candy. Clear off, go down below."
The next vicar asks the same question.
- "I don't know why you ever became a vicar, you would have been better off as a rabbi. Money, money, money, that's all you ever thought about. You're so fond of money you even married a woman called Penny. Clear off, go down below.
The third vicar turns to his wife and says, "I don't think we stand much chance either, Fanny."

[sooty]

It gets so hard to find new jokes and even harder to think them up so here is a story of when I managed to use an old joke in real life.

At the time of a federal election in Australia in the early seventies I was talking to a couple of friends and the conversation went like this (names changed)

Bill to Fred who lived in the country "Have you voted yet today?"

Fred "Yes, I voted in Rosebud. I'm a country member."

Me "Yeah, we remember"

I did explain to him that it was just a play on words and that he was a really nice guy.

[osreb]

Some humor pics

and some sexy pics.

[Dogseye]

Originally Posted by sooty

It gets so hard to find new jokes and even harder to think them up so here is a story of when I managed to use an old joke in real life.

At the time of a federal election in Australia in the early seventies I was talking to a couple of friends and the conversation went like this (names changed)

Bill to Fred who lived in the country "Have you voted yet today?"

Fred "Yes, I voted in Rosebud. I'm a country member."

Me "Yeah, we remember"

I did explain to him that it was just a play on words and that he was a really nice guy.

I hate to seem a bit thick but I'm afraid I don't get it. Is it something typical Aussie?

[ausfuncple]

Originally Posted by Dogseye

I hate to seem a bit thick but I'm afraid I don't get it. Is it something typical Aussie?

LOL -

Go back and read it aloud, only when you get to the sentence "I'm a country member" read it as ....

"I'm a c*nt remember ".

see, you do get it!

[osreb]

Happy and Sad

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology
and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned
to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me
anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.



She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick".

[osreb]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
Walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend:

"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."

The other student says:

"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached himAnd one of the students said to him,

"We're medical students and couldn't help
But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said,

"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said,

"I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

[osreb]

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"

She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,

"What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."


MORAL OF THE STORY


Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... but all men...are men!