April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

The night was young, the moon was high,
We were alone just she and I.

Her hair was smooth, her eyes bright blue,
I knew just what she wanted me to do.

Her skin was soft, her legs so fine,
I ran my finger down her spin.

I don't know how but I tried my best,
As I placed my hand on her tender breast.

I remembered my fear, my fast beating heart,
And slowly she spread her legs apart.

And when I did it I felt no shame,
I watched in awe as the white stuff came.

At last it's finished, it's all over now.

My first time ever...Milking a cow!

[osreb]

# How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? - On the rocks

# What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? - Leeks

# What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? - Follow the captain

# When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied "off course."

# So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That's more than can be said for his ship.

# The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.

# What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia?
Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both.

[osreb]

What's more profitable, a one-story wh*r*house or a two-story wh*r*house?

A one-story wh*r*house, because there's no fuckin' overhead.

[sooty]

No joke today but here are some funny signs that are good for a laugh,( I couldn't see any watermarks on the photos). Most are towns in England. Threw in a few nudes at the end although you are probably tired of looking at nudes. Right?

[sooty]

This is an old joke that most Aussies and Britons will know but others may not have heard, it is best to say the punchline out loud.

Prince Charles was opening a new space tracking station at Oodnadatta in outback South Australia and the crowd was intrigued as to why he was wearing a foxskin (tail and all) on his head. After the opening one reporter summoned the courage to ask his highness what was the significance of the foxskin to the days proceedings.

Charles replied "Well, actually it was Mummy's idea"
"Her Majesty's idea?" queried the reporter.
"Yes" said Charles, "I was speaking to her on the phone last night and she asked me what I would be doing today so I said that I was opening a new space tracking station at Oodnadatta and she said "Wear the fox hat"

Here are a few photos of girls who enjoy some fun (I love the first one)

***** PRO PIC REMOVED *****

[osreb]

Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a deep thinker, and a highly intelligent person. So simple, yet so profound! Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 75th birthday below his esteemed portrait. Only a man with such wisdom and maturity could be so concise and succinct in phrasing his feelings at this turning point in his life.

"I have outlived my pecker."


My nookie days are over,

My pilot light is out.

What used to be my pride and joy,

Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,

From my trousers it would spring.

But now I've got a full time job,

To find the f***in' thing.

It used to be embarrassing,

The way it would behave.

For every single morning,

It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,

It sure gives me the blues.

To see it hang its little head,

And watch me tie my shoes!!

***** PRO PIC REMOVED *****

[RandRJ]

That is one lucky guy!

[sooty]

Blonde - When my sugar daddy dies I inherit the lot. It is in his last will and testicles

Brunette - You mean testament

Blonde - No, I've got him by the balls.


2/ During the Sydney Olympics there was a very close basketball game and the crowd was getting very vocal and involved. Australian basketball star Michelle Timms was guest commentator and said "The crowd is getting very involved now, they've got their hooters out". The male commentor then said in an incredulous tone "Got their hooters out??".

Here are some nice hooters, hope they're not pro pics

[osreb]

I haven't checked ' snopes.com ' to see if this actually works or not . . .
But they say,
If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked,
You should sniff some Windex first.

It'll keep you from streaking.

[sooty]

Going down to the workshed one day a father surprised his 15 year old son masturbating. In an understanding manner the father explained that what the boy had been doing was natural enough because the urge for release was strong.
"But you must save all that energy and not waste it" he said. "That sperm is your life essence. Save it until you are a man and can use it in the normal manner."
The boy promised and the years slipped by.
He was given a great party on his 21st birthday and when the guests had left he thanked his dad. "I never forgot what you told me in the shed years ago," he said. "And I saved my seed like you told me to. But now I am a man and I have 3 barrels full. Heck Dad, what the hell will I do with it all?"

Here is an odd assortment of photos that dont necessarily fit anywhere else. Is the photo of the lady by the car door real or a Photoshop clanger? I checked on Google and there is a town in NewFoundland called Dildo so it is not a put up job (boom boom).