April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[jonenglish3]

True about the Vikings

Originally Posted by osreb

I understand that you don't have a ton of extra time to read books,
So, I've compiled a short list of books that can be read at a single sitting.

World's Shortest Books
MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS
By Tiger Woods
____________________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton
___________________________________

Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
_____________________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates
____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman
_________________________________

GUIDE TO: THE PACIFIC
By Amelia Earhart
____________________________________

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell
_______________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson
__________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O. J. Simpson
_________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
By Ted Kennedy
______________________________


HOW TO WIN A SUPERBOWL
BY THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS
__________________________________________________ _

[Fango]

Originally Posted by osreb

My neighbors put up their Christmas lights...

https://forum.oneclickchicks.com/atta...6&d=1323479178
https://forum.oneclickchicks.com/atta...3&d=1323479178

These two are damn hot!

Thanks

Fango

[osreb]

This actually happened with some guys from Maine.

They dressed the truck up with the guy dummy spread eagle on the roof of the truck.

The driver and passengers put on Moose Heads.

Down the Maine interstate they went causing about 16 accidents.

They went to jail.
(some cops have no sense of humor)

[osreb]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked

a blond stewardess to take care of them for him.


She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised

her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen,

mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant

at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.



Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.. Shortly before landing in New

York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer

who gave me the crabs, in New Orleans , please raise your hand.



Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:



1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blonds aren't as dumb as most folk think.

[osreb]

Harry Truman was a different kind of President. He probably made as many,
or more important decisions regarding our nation's history as any of the other
42 Presidents preceding him. However, a measure of his greatness may rest
on what he did after he left the White House.

The only asset he had when he died was the house he lived in, which was in
Independence, Missouri . His wife had inherited the house from her mother
and father and, other than their years in the White House, they lived
their entire lives there.

When he retired from office in 1952 his income was a U.S. Army pension
reported to have been $13,507.72 a year. Congress, noting that he was
paying for his stamps and personally licking them, granted him an "allowance"
and, later, a retroactive pension of $25,000 per year.

After President Eisenhower was inaugurated, Harry and Bess drove home to
Missouri by themselves. There was no Secret Service following them.

When offered corporate positions at large salaries, he declined, stating,
"You don't want me. You want the office of the President, and that doesn't
belong to me. It belongs to the American people and it's not for sale."

Even later, on May 6, 1971, when Congress was preparing to award him the
Medal of Honor on his 87th birthday, he refused to accept it, writing,
"I don't consider that I have done anything which should be the reason for
any award, Congressional or otherwise."

As president he paid for all of his own travel expenses and food.

Modern politicians have found a new level of success in cashing in on the
Presidency, resulting in untold wealth. Today, many in Congress also have
found a way to become quite wealthy while enjoying the fruits of their offices.

Good old Harry Truman was correct when he observed, "My choices in life
were either to be a piano player in a wh*r* house or a politician. And to tell
the truth, there's hardly any difference!"

I say dig him up and clone him!

[osreb]

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

[osreb]

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex
This is when you have been
with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex
This is when you have been with
your partner for a long time, your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'Screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex
This means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon, and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called Social Security Sex. You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.

[osreb]

Dana Carey delivered it, This mom and dad find out that they're teenage son has been visiting S&M websites and they are wondering what to do about it.

The dad says "Well, we can't spank him".

[osreb]

The Female Demerit System
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.


Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)

But return with Beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

It's her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)

Named Tina (-10)

Tina is a dancer (-20)

Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (+2)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes (+3)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

***** PRO PIC REMOVED *****

[osreb]

A couple was doing last minute shopping on Christmas Eve.

Walking through the very crowded mall the wife looked up and noticed her husband was no where around. She became very upset because they had a lot to do. She used her cell phone to call her husband to ask where he was.

The husband, in a calm voice said, "Honey remember the jewelry store we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife, crying, said "Yes, I remember".

Husband: "Well, I'm in the bar next to that jewelry store."