April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

I'm sure you will enjoy this. I never knew one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, preposition.

UP


Read until the end ... you'll laugh.

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UPwith a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now .. . . my time is UP!

Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?

U

P!

Did that one crack you UP?

Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you look UPin your address book . . .. or not . . . it's UP to you.

Now I'll shut UP!

[osreb]

snow boobies

[osreb]

“To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.”

Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

“I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that

Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb, after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life..

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi!

Alex”

[osreb]

Pic 1 proves that not everyone have the same opportunities in life

[Klythez]

Excellent story, osreb!

[osreb]

These annual honors are given to the persons who did the human gene pool
the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

You may recall that last year's winner was killed by a Coke machine that toppled over on him
as he was trying to tip a free soda out.

This year's winner was a genuine Rocket Scientist...no jive!
Read on..and remember that each and every one of these is a true story.
The nominees were:



Semifinalist #1

A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
cheaply because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed
gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and
he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and
fire burned his house down, killing both he and his sister.

Semifinalist #2

Three Brazilian men were in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
around their ankles.

Semifinalist #3

A 22-year-old Virginia man was found dead after he tried to use
octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax
County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of
these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the
other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the
pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators
think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of
the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the
trestle and the concrete," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent
cause of death was "Major trauma."

Semifinalist #4

A man in Alabama died from numerous rattlesnake bites. He and a
friend had been playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a
ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was
hospitalized but lived.

Semifinalist #5

Employees in a warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a
gas leak. Management ordered people to evacuate the building,
extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas
company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had
difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the
lights worked. Witnesses later described seeing one of the technicians
reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a
cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas
in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away.
Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually
untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the
blast had never been thought of as ''especially bright'' by his peers.


And now the winner of this year's Darwin Award; as always,
awarded posthumously;

THE 2011 WINNER!

Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal
embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a
curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was
a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.

Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An
amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet
Assisted Take Off...actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give
heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from
short airfields. He had driven his 1967 Chevy Impala into the desert and
found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the
car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO.

The facts that could be determined are that the operator of the
Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of about three miles from the
crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at
that location.

The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum
thrust within five seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in
excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25
seconds.

The driver, and soon-to-be pilot, would have experienced
G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full
afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the
event.
However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for
about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely
melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on
the road surface, then becoming airborne for 1.4 miles and impacting the
cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet
deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a
ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not
actually on the ground.

Really.....we can't make this stuff up.
+++++++++++++++

[osreb]

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and
eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some g****fruit juice and coffee?" He
declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this
Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."


At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of
soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he
says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a
juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie
chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to
be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."


"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

[osreb]

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says:

"You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says:

"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"

"Easy.."she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love.

After it's over the girl says: "You must be a really good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:

"Sure - I'm a good dentist.

How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies:....

I didn't feel a thing."

***** WATERMARKED PIC REMOVED *****

[osreb]

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man.

He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered..

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped.

Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.

A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE!

Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"


Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80s.


"Mr. Policeman," said the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a

Christian. But for 50 years now, I'm living behind the Catholic

Church on Second Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their

services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some

comfort to this poor man

The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get

through to where the injured man lay.

The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice:

B-5 .... I-19 ... N-38 ... G-54 .... O-72

[osreb]

A dad in Arizona calls his son in Montana before Thanksgiving and says...
"I hate to be the bearer of bad news this time of year, but I need to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing - 45 years with her is too much."
"Pops, what the heck are you talking about?" son screams.."We just can't stand the sight of each other any longer," father says. "I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Texas and tell her the bad news.
"The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "Let me take care of this."Sister calls home immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow, we will talk about this during Thanksgiving. Till then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" then she hangs up.
The ol' feller looks at the phone, grins and turns to his wife.
"Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving now... and paying their own way!"