April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

THE GRASS ISN'T ALWAYS GREENER......

Sometimes, we try too hard to get to the greener grass.

In the process, we end up in trouble........ (pic 1)

And when you find yourself in trouble and you're stuck in a

situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should

always remember.......

Not everyone who shows up.......(pic 2)
Is there to help you!!!!

[michmc]

Originally Posted by osreb

Mexican Words O f The Day

1. *Cheese*

The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.

Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.

2. *Mushroom*

When all my family get in the car There's not mushroom.



3. *Shoulder*

My fren wants 2 become a citizen, But che didn't know how to read,
So I, shoulder.


4. * Texas *

When I'm not home, My fren always Texas me, Che wonders where I am!



5. *Herpes*

Me and my fren ordered pizza.

I got mine piece. Then che got herpes.

6. *July*

Ju told me ju were going to tha store But ju went to see sum guy,

July to me! Julyer!


7. *Rectum* I had 2 cars. But my wife rectum!



8. *Chicken*

I was going to go to the store with my wife, But che said chicken go herself.


9. *Wheelchair*

We only have one enchilada left, But don't worry wheelchair


10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.


11. *Harassment*

My wife caught me in bed with another women.

I told her, "Honey, harassment nothen to me.


12. * Bishop * My wife fell down the stair
So I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*

I want to go to the club, but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*

That women has a nice body, Budweiser face so ugly?

These show a very good ear for language. Thanks for sharing.

[osreb]

"Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire pick-up Lines"
brought to you by Bubba & Cooter, straight outta Texas . Enjoy!


1) Did you fart? ...cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? ...cuz ya sure are special.

3) My love fer you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? ...cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? ...cuz I can see myself in em.

6) You might not be the best lookin' girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

7) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock..

8) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

9) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND.. the best for last!

10) Yer face reminds me of a wrench. Every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

[osreb]

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but certainly not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Ultimate True Test:
Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour.
Then open the trunk and see who's the happiest to see you.

[osreb]

Useless Penis Facts
Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons
Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200


Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000


Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons


Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallons


Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour


Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour


Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7


Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150


Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches


Average length when erect: 5.1


Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch


Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches


Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale)


Height from court floor to the rim of a basketball hoop: 10 feet


Most arousing time of day/season for a man: Early morning/fall


Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start exercising, lose weight


Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole grains, wheat germ


Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%


Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%


Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%


Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to 2 weeks


Average # of erections per day for a man: 11


Average # of erections during the night: 9


Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches


The human equivalent: 26 miles (a marathon distance)


Time it takes the sperm: 2.5 seconds


Time it takes an average person to complete a marathon: 4 hours


Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation)


Shelf life of a Hostess Twinkie: 7 years


Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100


Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm


Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm


Thickness of plastic wrap: .0127 mm


Number of times condoms are thicker that plastic wrap: Almost 6


In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet.


Some say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a buttery or fishy taste.


Dairy products can create a foul taste; the taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to be the foulest.


Acidic fruits and alcohol (except processed liquors) give it a pleasant and sugary taste. Examples: oranges, mangos, kiwi, lemons, g****fruit, limes, Labatt Blue, Honey Brown, etc. (drinking a Corona with lime is double the fun)


Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie.


Yes, the penis does shrink in the shower.


It is common for men to wake up with 'morning wood,' a name for an a.m. erection.


Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will explode if he doesn't have sex, is totally false.

[osreb]

ACTUAL HEADLINES

- March Planned For Next August
- L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
- Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through
- Diaper Market Bottoms Out
- Stadium Air Conditioning Fails -- Fans Protest
- Queen Mary Having Bottom Sc****d
- Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
- Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin
- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
- Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man
- Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
- 20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar
- War Dims Hope For Peace
- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
- Man is Fatally Slain
- Death Causes Loneliness, Feelings of Isolation
- Defendants Speech Ends in Long Sentence
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
- Hershey Bars Protest
- County Officials to Talk Rubbish

[osreb]

25 reasons I owe my mother

1. *_My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE _*.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. *_My mother taught me RELIGION _*.
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'

3. *_My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL _*.
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. *_My mother taught me LOGIC _*.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. *_My mother taught me MORE LOGIC _*.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. *_My mother taught me FORESIGHT _*. 'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. *_My mother taught me IRONY
*'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. *_My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS _*.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. *_My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM _*..
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. *_My mother taught me about STAMINA _*. 'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. *_My mother taught me about WEATHER _*. 'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. *_My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY _*.
'If I told you once,I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. *_My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE _*.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. *_My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION _*.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. *_My mother taught me about ENVY _*. 'There are millions of less
fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. *_My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION _*. 'Just wait until we get home.'

17... *_My mother taught me about RECEIVING _*. 'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. *_My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE _*.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. *_My mother taught me ESP _*.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. *_My mother taught me HUMOR _*.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. *_My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT _*.
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up...'

22. *_My mother taught me GENETICS. _*'You're just like your father.'

23. *_My mother taught me about my ROOTS _*.
'Shut that door behind you.. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. *_My mother taught me WISDOM _*.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: *_My mother taught me about JUSTICE
*'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

[osreb]

Feeling Unappreciated Lately? Things got ya down? Well then, consider these tidbits.............

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am , regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Kenneth Roberts, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

Betty came home to find Jerry in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to break him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Ipod.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!

There now......... feeling better are we?

[osreb]

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists

A university graduate and an old aboriginal.
They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '

First to recite his poem was the university graduate.

He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination Timbuktu ..

The audience went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.

The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;

Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three wh*r*s in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two

So I bucked one, and timbuktu .

The aboriginal won.
************************************************** ******

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller, "I want to open
a fuckin' checking account.”
The astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?" Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a
fuckin' checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform
him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to
listen to that foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir,
what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no fuckin problem," the man says. I just won $200 million bucks
in the damn lottery and I want to put my fuckin money in this damn bank."

"Oh...I see," says the manager, "and is this b*tch giving you a hard time sir???"

[osreb]

Ex Husband Allegedly Held the Wheel While She Shaved, Neither One Noticed SUV in Front of Them

Internet punsters are celebrating Megan Barnes as Florida's "Pubic Enemy," others are chattering about her "razor sharp focus."

Megan Barnes was allegedly driving while shaving her bikini area when she hit another vehicle in the Florida Keys.
The 37-year-old Barnes catapulted to instant fame for an alleged multi-tasking mash-up that earned the bottle-blonde's mug shot a spot on hundreds of Web sites.

According to a startled Florida Highway Patrol trooper, Barnes was shaving her bikini area while driving south on the famed Overseas Highway when she crashed into the rear of an SUV March 2.


'If I Wasn't There, I Wouldn't Have Believed It'

In the police report obtained by ABC News, the trim job was apparently essential because the arresting officer, trooper Gary Dunick, said the Indiana native told him she was heading to Key West visit her boyfriend.

"She said she was meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be ready for the visit," Dunick told the Key West Citizen.

It gets weirder. In order to pay full attention to her sensitive regions, police say Barnes enlisted her ex-husband, Charles Judy, who was riding shotgun, to hold the wheel.

Yes, her ex-husband.

Their tag-team driving went awry when an SUV driving in front of them slowed to turn. Barnes' 1995 Thunderbird smashed into it. Two of the SUV's passengers suffered minor injuries, police say. Barnes shouldn't have been driving that Thunderbird, since she had been convicted the previous day for driving under the influence and driving with a suspended license.

According to the arrest report, it was the sixth time her license had been suspended.

After the accident, Barnes and Judy drove off, police say. The Thunderbird limped a few hundred yards before the couple switched seats. "She jumps in the back seat and he moves over," Dunick told the Citizen. "It was like the old comedy bit, 'Who's on first?'"

But the attempt to claim that Judy, not Barnes, was driving was also doomed. Judy had visible burns on his chest he claimed came from the exploding airbag, but only the passenger side airbag deployed, according to the police report.

So Dunick charged Barnes with driving with a revoked license, reckless driving, leaving the scene of an accident with injuries and driving with no insurance. Judy was not charged.

According to the arrest affidavit, the trooper asked her afterward why she didn't hit the brakes when she saw the SUV. She answered bluntly, "I told you, I was shaving."

"If I wasn't there, I wouldn't have believed it," Dunick told the Citizen.
"About 10 years ago, I stopped a guy in the exact same spot... who had three or four syringes sticking out of his arm. It was just surreal and I thought, 'Nothing will ever beat this.' Well, this takes it."