April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

He grasped me firmly but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.
Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.
He approached me soundlessly from behind and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.
"Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down. I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.
I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.
When his hands moved up to my thighs I gave a slight shudder and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding.
I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.
Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders and slid them down my tingling spine.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant.
This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say…


"Okay ma'am, you’re cleared. You can board your flight now."

[osreb]

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"

"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him."

She wasn't selected for the jury.

[osreb]

One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights," she went upstairs.

Immediately, all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.

After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!" and this was echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse," etc.

Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt," "skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc.

Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line.

Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower.

Finally, Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods, so he yelled, "Someone's coming!" And from the next dwarf down to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."





__._,_.___

[osreb]

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.

3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.

5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

6 You've both gone down one clothing size.

7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.

8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

9. Boy, are you hungry!

10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

[osreb]

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.

Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.

If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably

[BlindOwl]

Some words of wisdom, from my Favorite Sarcastic old lady . . . telling it like it is !

[osreb]

TO ALL MY DRINKING FRIENDS

A new way to avoid any .08 alcohol issues while driving:

I went out with some friends last night and tied one on. Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have ever done before.

I took the bus home. I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising to me, as I have never driven a bus before.

[osreb]

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

Babe Ruth

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

Lyndon B. Johnson

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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

Paul Horning

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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

I think not."

H. L. Mencken

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" When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

George Bernard Shaw

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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Benjamin Franklin

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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

Dave Barry

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BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!

W.C. Fields

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Remember, "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.

Professor Irwin Corey

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To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group-Salvation in a can!

Leo Durocher

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One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the" Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm:

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members!; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[osreb]

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree, & replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'

[osreb]

The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest
level of language development. Here are the 10 winners in the International
Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed
per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says,"Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said,
"I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up
for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later,
Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened
up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition
was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the
rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in
town to "persuade" the friars to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed
their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified,
they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little,which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him (Oh, dude, this is so bad, it's good ...)
a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

***** EDITED WATERMARKED PIC REMOVED *****