April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

These are sample of what he said......
He was funny.............



My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

Its tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.


My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

[osreb]

BMW Germany's campaign for their factory-approved

"pre-owned" cars (pic 1)

Now that's great advertising!!!

[osreb]

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the

greatest political sages this country has ever known.

Enjoy the following:


1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.


2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.


3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.


4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.


5. Always drink upstream from the herd.


6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.


7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.


8. There are three kinds of men:

The ones that learn by reading.

The few who learn by observation.

The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence

and find out for themselves.


9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.


10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.


11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.


12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.

He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.

The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

[osreb]

A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.


MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a darn

[osreb]

1. Don't swim in the ocean.

Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water also known as oceans. The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water, which should be salty.

2. Listen out for the music.

In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvelous documentary film Jaws. All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-da, daah-da" chords, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer. This is due to the Doppler Effect.

3. Swim with fat people.

Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with A-1 Steak Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds.

4. Don't go into the water without a knife.

This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (a.k.a the decoy) closest to you in the case of a shark attack. Once you are sure the "decoy" is bleeding profusely.....swim for your freakin' life. And finally...

5. Don't panic.

In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This really wont help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling and can really spoil a wonderful day out. Remember, it's not always about you!

__._,_.___

[osreb]

An 18-year-old girl returns home really late after her first date. Her angry mother asks her where she's been all night. "Mom, I think I am in love!" "What do you mean, it was your first date with this guy!" "Yeah, but I sucked his dick and then he fucked me in the ass." "That's not love, my little one, that's lust. When you first get fucked in the ass and then suck his dick, that's love!"

[osreb]

The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in 1776, working on the constitution. It had been a long day. "Whew! It's getting rather warm in here, isn't it? " "Shall I open the window? " "No, that's alright. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up my sleeves. " "Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in the constitution? " "What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and roll up our sleeves while at work? " "Yeah, but that doesn't sound very smooth. How about, 'Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?

[osreb]

We always hear about how to fold a flag properly...
but, did anyone ever show you how to unfold a flag properly ????

Make sure you take the proper steps in the proper order...


First: You have to Locate Your Flag...pic 1

Second: Firmly Grasp the Edges... and Pull, Slightly....pic 2

Lastly...Observe... With Reverence....pic 3

End of Lesson...

Pass this on to other patriots who might be interested in the proper observance of tradition.

Thanks for your support!!!!!

[osreb]

With Summer Vacation season upon us I found this to be some good reading. These are actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."

"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."

"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."

"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."

"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."

"All the mile markers are missing this year."

"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."

"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."

"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."

"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."

"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."

"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."

"Need more signs to keep area pristine."

"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."

"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."

"Too many rocks in the mountains."

[osreb]

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress.

After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."