Under The influence

[osreb]

...for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (fresh water distillers).

However, let it be noted that according to her log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum."

Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."

Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.

Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine. On 18 November, she set sail for England.

In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchantmen, salvaging only the rum aboard each.

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, and though unarmed, she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a whiskey distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn.

Then she headed home.

The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, NO rum, NO wine, NO whiskey and 38,600 gallons of stagnant water.

GO NAVY!

Now these guys knew how to drink!

[osreb]

Official drinking test.

This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are.
Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully.
Then, determine your score based on question answer values provided.
Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer.

1. Think about your wife.
In your mind, is she:
(a) the most beautiful woman alive;
(b) a beautiful woman;
(c) attractive;
(d) ugly as sin.

2. Think about your job.
In your mind, is it:
(a) the best job on the planet;
(b) a good job;
(c) a decent job;
(d) the most annoying job ever.

3. Try walking.
What happened?
Did you:
(a) find it impossible to stand up;
(b) fall after standing up;
(c) walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face;
(d) walk one thousand feet without falling.

4. How did you get to the bar?
I got here in:
(a) my brand new chauffer-driven limo;
(b) a brand new car;
(c) a used car;
(d) a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 Japanese import.

5. What do you think of your strength?
I am:
(a) invincible;
(b) stronger than anyone in the bar;
(c) as strong as the average man;
(d) a weak and pathetic being.

Question answer values:

For every question answered with an A, add ten points.
For every question answered with a B, add five points.
For every question answered with a C, do not change the score.
For every question answered with a D, subtract five points.
For every question answered with an E, add one hundred points.

Results:

For scores ranging from fifty to 135,
Congratulations!
You're over and above the normal drunk.
Generally, at least they are able to select a valid option.
An e option does not even exist on this test.
You should probably check yourself into a hospital for alcohol poisoning.

For scores ranging from thirty-five to fifty, you had ten too many beers.
If you plan on driving home, make out a will first--that is,
If you can even remember your own name.
Lastly, don't even think about standing up.

For scores ranging from fifteen to thirty-five, you have had one too many beers.
Don't drive unless you want a higher insurance rate.
Standing up will probably result in injury.

For scores ranging from zero to fifteen, you may want to stop drinking now.
You have probably had enough beers but don't drive unless you want a ticket.
If you choose to ignore the tip to stop drinking, it is not a problem; you probably still have the ability to stand up.

For scores ranging from negative twenty-five to zero, you must just be getting started!
I bet you don't even have one beer in you.
In terms of driving, you are probably just getting out of the car and are walking to the bar this very moment.

This document was written by the employees at Glowport..


''Life's tough......
it's even tougher if you're stupid.''-
John Wayne.

[MrPostMan]

enjoy

[jickler]

Originally Posted by osreb

having a good time

love the molson canadian

[osreb]

Nicolas Sarkozy, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

“Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!”

“Well, Paddy,” Sarkozy replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”

“Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, “there's meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!”

Sarkozy paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“Begoora!” says Paddy. “I'll have to ring you back.”

The next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”

“And what equipment would that be Paddy?” Sarkozy asks.

“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.”

Sarkozy sighs. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.”

“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I'll have to get back to you.”

Paddy rings again the next day. “Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!”

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!”

“Mary and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. “Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.”

“Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says Sarkozy. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.”

[torretxt]

Thanks Orseb for making my day! What a great way to add a little humor on Valentine's day! You're the best!

[osreb]

A young boy wandered away from his grandfather at the mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"


The cop asked, "What's he like?"


The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs."

[KY_BOB]

Very cute girls!

[osreb]

What are the similarities of BAR & BRA?
1. Both words have the same letters.
2. Both are drinking zones.
3. Both have restricted timing for opening & closing.
4. More importantly, both makes men crazy when

[osreb]

Murphy approached Mulligan's bar. On the step outside he was accosted by a nun, Sister Marie, who said:

'Surely a fine man like yourself is not going into this den of iniquity? Surely you're not going to waste your hard-earned cash on the devil's brew. Why don't you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children?'

'Hang on, Sister,' spluttered Murphy. 'How can you condemn alcohol out of hand? Surely it's wrong to form such a rash judgement when you've never tasted the stuff?'

'Very well,' said Sister Marie. I’ll taste it just to prove my point. Obviously I can't go into the pub, so why don't you bring me some gin. Oh, and just to camouflage my intent, maybe you should bring it in a cup not a glass!'

'OK,' said Murphy and into the bar he breezed.

'I'll have a large gin,' he said to the barman. 'And can you put it in a cup?'

'My God,' said the barman, 'that nun's not outside again is she?'