April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

My neighbor majored in both Geology and Proctology. And, he still doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground

[osreb]

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And....

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.


THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:


The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a ton of people in Washington, DC playing 'marbles'!

[osreb]

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the b*tch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila..

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's OK.They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2009 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember where ever there is a good looking, sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.

14. If it has tires or testicles it's gonna give you trouble.

15. By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.

[osreb]

Two men were talking. “My grandson asked me what I did during the Sexual Revolution,” said one.
“And what did you tell him?” asked the other.
“I told him I was captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes.”
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++

A husband was telling colleagues about his involvement with our local YMCA Indian Guides and Indian Princesses programs. His Indian name was Walking Deer, he told them. Our daughter was Little Fawn, and our son, Running Deer.
"What do you call your wife!" one co-worker asked.
"Yes Dear," he replied.

[osreb]

Australian Medical Association researchers have found

that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit

from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.


It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better....

Just thought you'd like to know.



BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO ARE CRACKED,

FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE LIGHT!


OK, I'll be going to my room now..

[osreb]

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Adventurous lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches : and tons up just about every musclee in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, or jogging 20 blocks and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression Climaxing releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7 Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. actuallySex relieves headaches. Achieving orgasm can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

[osreb]

The Universal Laws of Computing


For every function, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.


When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.


When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.


The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
When the going gets tough, upgrade.


To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is downright natural.


He who laughs last probably made a back-up.


A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.


The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.


A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.


If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.




__._,_.___

[osreb]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked....
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
************************************


A woman was doing the laundry in the apartment building's basement. She had just finished washing and drying one load and was getting ready to start another load when she decided to wash the nightgown she was wearing.

She took it off and placed it in the washer. Now she is naked and preparing to take the freshly cleaned clothes upstairs when she noticed her son's football helmet lying on the shelf. She grabbed the helmet, placed it on her head, picked up the clean clothes, and turned around.

There stood the Maintenance man who quickly said, "I don't know which team you are playing for ma'am but I sure hope you win."

__._,_.___

[osreb]

A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking.

He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied

Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

[osreb]

Q: "Do you know the punishment for bigamy?”
A: ” Two Mother-in Laws!”
=====================================
A friend and I were watching a film when a character called another a nymphomaniac.
"What's that mean?" she asked.
"It's a female who's addicted to sex," I answered.
"What do they call males who are addicted to sex?" she asked.
"Men."
************************************************** ******************
Text message between two lovers…

She sends the following message:
My love,
If you're sleeping, send me your dreams
If you're smiling, send me your smile
If you're crying, send me your tears
I love you.

He replied:
I'm in the toilet
What do I send?????????????????????