April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

No rapture today...

[osreb]

When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to decide what makes him so sexy.

When a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he turns around to see who's the handsome dude behind him.

But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he looks down to see if he's unzipped

[osreb]

One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog tied

it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked,

"Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"

The redneck said it was his. "Your dog seems to be
in heat" the officer said.

The redneck replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."

The policeman said, "No! You don't understand.
Your dog needs to be bred."

"No way," said the redneck.
"That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I
fed her this mornin'."

The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't
understand; your dog wants to have sex!"

(You gotta love this)

The redneck looked at the cop and said,

"Well, go ahead I always wanted a police dog."

[osreb]

Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street. "Hey, Antonio," said Luigi. "Where you been for the past two weeks? No one seen you around."

"Donna talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been inna da jail."

"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been in jail?"

"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna da beach, and the cops come, arresta me and throw me inna jail."

"But dey donna throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!" Luigi countered.

"Yeah, but dissa beach was ascreamin' and akickin' and ayellin'."

[osreb]

Cajun pastors

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist
Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church
across the road.

They were both standing on the roadside, pounding a sign into the
ground, that read:

Da End is Near!
Turn Yo Sef Roun Now
Afo It Be Too Late!


As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled,
"You religious extremists go somewhere else!" just before his car
vanished around the curve.

Two seconds later, they heard screeching tires, followed by a big splash...

Boudreaux turned to Thibodaux and asked, "Do ya tink maybe da sign
should jus' say "Bridge Out Ahead".

[osreb]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse
about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a
leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking ingle file.
> >
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a
bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. "Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her.."

A very poignant and touching moment, of brotherhood and silence,
passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line"

[osreb]

Heres to nipples

[osreb]

Combacks for "Why Aren't You Married?"


9. What? And spoil my great sex life?

8. Just lucky, I guess.

7. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

6. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

5. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.

4. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

3. We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't go for it.

2. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

1. Because I don't like having a 51% chance of some day losing everything that is important to me simply because I am a male.
__._,_.___

[osreb]

SEX PENSION

Two men were talking.
'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special.
I'm having Pension sex.'
'Pension sex?'
'Yeah, you know;
I get a little each month,
But not enough to live on!'

LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed
And my husband climaxes,
He lets out this ear splitting yell.'

'My dear,' the shrink said,
'that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained,
'it wakes me up!'

QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life,
The man came right out and asked his wife
During a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me
When you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied,
'You're never home!'


CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident,
And his 'manhood'
Was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine
Could give him back his manhood,
But that his insurance wouldn't cover the
Surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be
$3,500 for 'small,
$6,500 for 'medium,
And $14,000 for 'large.'

The man was sure he would
Want a medium or large,
But the doctor urged him
To talk it over with his wife
Before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone
And explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room,
And found the man looking dejected.

'Well, what have the two of you decided?'
Asked the doctor.

'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'

[osreb]

A Harley Rider walked into a drug store in Waco , Texas and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him. The biker said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The biker then agreed and began by saying ......."This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a .... Permanent Erection. It causes me a lot of problems,and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said ...... "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said ...... "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is as follows:

1/3 ownership in the store .......
A company pickup truck .........
Two home cooked dinners a week .......
And $3,000 a month in living expenses."