April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

The hurricanes that hit the Gulf Coast of our nation were devastating. It
did not spare the houses of worship in and around the area. One of the local
television stations in South Louisiana aired an interview with a woman from
New Orleans. The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked
the woman how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the
area had affected their lives.

Without hesitation, the woman replied, ' I don't know about all those other
people, but we haven't gone to Churches in years. We get our chicken from
Popeye's

The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.

They're out there AND THEY VOTE !!!

[osreb]

“Bartender, I'll have a Bin Laden”

“What's that?”

“Two shots and a splash of water.”

[osreb]

A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club.
One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.

"She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy was amused, but explains that she needs to meet certain biker criteria requirements in order to join the club. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there," and pointed to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little Old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish...beer mostly, whiskey when I'm shooting pool. I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."

The biker is surprised but then asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little Old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and cigars when I'm drinking whiskey and shooting pool.

"The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz...?

"The Little Old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times......"

[osreb]

ABSENT: (n) The notation generally following your name in a class record.

ADMISSIONS OFFICE: (n) Where they take you to get you to admit you've mooned the keynote speaker during "new student weekend."

ANATOMY: (n) One of those classes that sounds vaguely risque until you find out what it REALLY involves.

BIOLOGY: (n) A class located suspiciously near the cafeteria.

BOOK: (n) A depository of knowledge which a student will try to stay wake long enough to read the night before finals.

BOOKBAG: (n) A large container in which students store candy bars, gum, combs, little slips of paper with phone numbers on them, yo-yos, sunglasses, student I. D.s, loose change, magazines, & (occasionally) books.

CAFETERIA: (n) from Latin "cafe" ("place to eat") and "teria" ("to wretch").

CAFFEINE: (n) One of the four basic food groups.

CALL: (v) What you can't do because your stupid roommate has to go over every stupid detail of every stupid day with their stupid hometown sweetheart.

COACH: (n) A teacher who rewards successful "students" with a new Corvette.

CUM LAUDE: (v) How students in southern universities call dogs named "Laude."

D-MINUS: (n) A pretty good grade.

DORM: (n) Student residence located only a few convenient miles from 8 a. m. classes.

DORMROOM: (n) A small closet-like area inhabited by a pair of incompatible people.

EDUCATION BUDGET: (n) Money you allocate each month for movies and magazines.

EGGHEAD: 1) (n) A brainy student who studies all the time and gets straight A's.
2) (n) That same student once you've dropped eggs on him from the roof of the science lab.

EXTRA CREDIT: (n) What you wish you had on your credit card.

F: (n) A grade that can usually be altered to look like a "B" on a test paper.

JUNIOR VARSITY: (n) The team that everybody supports, but nobody goes to watch.

KAPPA: (n) What members of sororities or fraternities wear on their head as.

KITCHENETTE: (n) A small, thin person working in the cafeteria kitchen.

KLUTZ: (n) What you discover your lab partner is when you ask him to slowly pour the sulfuric acid into the beaker you're holding.

LAB: (n) A room full of icky, funny-looking creatures and the dead frogs they dissect.

LETTERMEN: (n) Scholarship athletes who proudly wear letter sweaters proclaiming the vowel or consonant they have mastered.

LIBERAL ARTS: (n) See: "Would you like fries with that?"

LOUNGE: (n) Any area in a dorm, union or classroom building where the only furniture that isn't soiled, ripped or scarred is immediately stolen.

MAJOR: (n) Area of study that no longer interests you.

MIDNIGHT OIL: (n) What you make popcorn in.

MISERY: (n) The sinking feeling you get when introduced to the person your roomie fixed you up with because "the two of you are so much alike."

NICKNAME: (n) Generally, your own name with the suffix "ster" attached in a forced awkward attempt at familiarity. E.g. "Bobster, " "Hankster" or "Georgester."

NO: (n) The response that guys who will spend most of their time in the gym lifting weights might put on a true/false test.

NUDE MODELS: (n) The reason for your sudden interest in art.

OFF-CAMPUS PARKING: (n) Ample extra parking usually found in an adjoining county.

OTHELLO: (n) Unless you're an English major, who really cares??

OUT: (n) Where your roommate always is when one of the 35 clubs she belongs to calls with a very important message.

PAPER: (n) Your version of Cliff Notes.

POSTER: (n) An inexpensive way to decorate a dormroom while making people think you've been to foreign lands and done things you never have.

PRE-LAW: (n) The major of a person who will end up in sales.

VICE SQUAD: (n) A group of uniformed officers who seem to be under the impression that they were invited to your dorm party.

VENDING MACHINE: (n) A coin operated device for dispensing breakfast, lunch and dinner.

VICTOR: (n) Your football team's weekly opponent.

VICTORY: (n) A rarity; a three syllable word that cheerleaders CAN spell.

WEEKEND: (n) Two day period during which your growling stomach makes you really wish you'd signed up for a seven day meal plan.

WHIZ KID: (n) Your college nickname. But not for the reason people think.

WINDELLAS: (n) Name of the circus family you can run away and join when your parents find out how much you put on their charge card.

WINTER: (n) When the air conditioning in your dorm finally kicks in.

WORK-STUDY: (n) Two things not done by a majority of students.

WRIStw*tCH: (n) That device on your arm that lets you know which class you're currently late for.

X-RAY: (n) A medical technique that will display cafeteria meatballs up to ten years after they're eaten.

XYLEM: (n) We're not going to tell you this. You should know this. You took Biology, didn't you? (Were you asleep that day or what?)

YALE: 1) (n) A well-known ivy league university.
2) (v) What southern cheerleaders do.

YEARBOOK: (n) A book containing student pictures that will keep getting nerdier as the years go by.

YESTERDAY: (n) When the 12 page paper you started tonight was due.

YIELD SIGN: (n) Dormitory wall decoration you "purchased" around 3 in the morning with the help of two buddies and a hammer.

ZEPPELIN: 1) (n) A large blimp.
2) (n) Still the best band for playing air guitar in one's underwear.

ZERO: (n) The number of times you've gotten to eat most of the pizza you ordered.

ZOO: (n) What dorms would look like if they were a little neater.

ZOOLOGY: (n) The study of animal life. (See: "Frat boys at Homecoming")

__._,_.___

[osreb]

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at the Air Base with my eight siblings and me -- all under age eleven. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area.

A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"

"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."

The customs agent began his interrogation. "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"

"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."

The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout , the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William ...the little shit's name is Kevin."

[osreb]

(Even if they are not true, they are still good stories.)

LICENSE TO STEAL
Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper.

IN THE BAG
A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

MADE FOR TV
"Guns For Hire", an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.

DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?
A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

YOU MEAN ME?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

DEADHEADS
A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

THIS WOULD BE ME
The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.

LEARN YOUR LESSON
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court", he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

AHH, THAT'S BETTER!
A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

OOPS! I BLEW THAT ONE!
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

[osreb]

When the well-molded secretary entered her boss' office one morning, he looked out the window and announced idly, "It's certainly going to be a beautiful day."

"I don't think so," replied the secretary.

"The weather forecast is for snow."

"It's not going to snow," contradicted the exec.

"I'll lay you twelve to one."

"I'd rather not," she remarked. "That's my lunch hour."

__._,_.___

[osreb]

Just in case you haven't seen this yet - check out the similarities in pic 1

[osreb]

1.) "I'll swallow it all...I just love the taste!"

2.) "Are you sure you've had enough beer?"

3.) "I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!"

4.) "Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome!"

5.) "If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!"

6.) "I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?"

7.) "You're so sexy when you're hung over."

8.) "I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping."

9.) "Let's subscribe to Hustler."

10.) "Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?"

11.) "Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses."

12.) "I'll be out painting the house."

13.) "I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too."

14.) "Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!"

15.) "I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house."

16.) "No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed."

17.) "Your mother did a great job raising you."

18.) "Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself new clubs."

19.) "I understand fully. Our anniversary comes every year for God's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever."

20.) "Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?"

21.) "Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!"

22.) "Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8."

23.) "You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings."

24.) "That was a great fart! Do another one!"

25.) "I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya

[osreb]

Adam bit the apple and, feeling great shame, covered himself with a fig leaf.

Eve, too, felt shame and covered herself with a fig leaf.

Then she went behind the bush to try on a maple leaf, a sycamore leaf, an oak leaf, and.....