April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Jeffrey Alan!" she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," she explained. "You don't know what it means."

"I do, too," Jeffrey corrected. "It means the car won't start."

__._,_.___

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good

Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead.

She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.

Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the

roadside wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

Little Johnny thought for a second, raised his hand, then said,

"I'd probably puke my fucking guts out."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I was walking in the park one bright sunny Sunday afternoon, when I noticed a cute little girl out walking her dog. As she approached me on the path, she looked about 9 years old, all dressed up in her Sunday best, and her freshly scrubbed face, just gleaming with cutesiness. Tugging on her leash was a well groomed, but somewhat chubby, terrier.

As we met on the path, I greeted her, "Hi there, my, aren't you pretty today and what a fine looking dog you have."

"Thank you, sir" she said, "And what a nice day this is isn't it?"

"Yes it is" I answered, "My, what a polite little girl you are, and what a pretty dress you're wearing."

"Oh, thank you, sir. My mother taught me to always be polite and she made this dress for me, isn't it pretty?" she said with a beaming smile.

"Yes, very pretty" I answered, "By the way, what's your dog's name?"

"Oh, sir, my dog's name is 'Porky', isn't that cute?"

"Well, it certainly is an unusual name for a dog. Why do you call him 'Porky', because he's a little fat?"

"Oh, no!" she replied with a smile, "It's because he fucks pigs!"

[osreb]

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant
and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, He barely said good morning, Let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....Well, that's marriage for you, But the kids.... They will remember.


My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, My handsome Boss Bob, said,
'Good Morning, and by the way, Happy Birthday! '

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Bob knocked on my door and said,
'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside and it is your Birthday,
What do you say we go out to lunch, Just you and me..'

I said, 'Thanks, Bob, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. but we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.


On the way back to the office, Bob said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. what do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Bob turned to me and said, If you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out
Carrying a huge birthday cake ...Followed by my husband, My kids,
and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there....

On the couch....

Naked.
And that's why I'm divorced

[osreb]

A certain man was infatuated with a young woman, but was so timid he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he told his therapist that every time he got near her he felt like nothing more than a tiny pebble.

The therapist responded, "Well, if you want to get the girl you'll just have to be a little boulder!"

__._,_.___

Schneider applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job. Two hours later, Schneider came back with the entire amount.

"Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," Schneider replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."

__._,_.___

The prof was telling his early morning class, "I've found that the best way to start the day is to exercise for five minutes, take a deep breath of air, and then finish with a cold shower. Then I feel rosy all over." A sleepy voice from the back of the room said, "Tell us more about Rosy!"


Only in America is it a compliment to be told you're funny as shit.

[osreb]

Tonight Show With Jay Leno:

The good news: Osama bin Laden is dead. The bad news: there is no bad news.
Osama bin Laden was apparently shot twice in the face. It looks like Dick Cheney may have been involved.

Conan:

Osama bin Laden is dead, which means the No. 1 threat to America is now the KFC Double Down.

President Obama gave the order for Navy SEALs to kill bin Laden. When President Bush heard about it, he was really upset, saying, “I could have used seals?”

Bin Laden was living in a house with no Internet access, which explains why there were all those bin Laden sightings at the Islamabad Kinko’s.

The news of bin Laden’s death interrupted this week’s episode of “Celebrity Apprentice.” Which begs the question, how do we kill bin Laden again next Sunday?

Late Show With David Letterman

Did everyone enjoy the Osama bin Laden season finale?
We finally killed bin Laden. That didn’t take too long.
There’s already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.

The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

Osama bin Laden was killed by U.S. forces. Everyone on TV has been really happy. Glenn Beck was crying — and then he found out about Osama.
Apparently, members of al-Qaida are online slamming the U.S. I don’t understand why they’re so upset. Everyone in al-Qaida just got a promotion.
President Obama must be very happy because he finally took down his arch enemy: Donald Trump. The bin Laden announcement interrupted “Celebrity Apprentice.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

I would like us to kill bin Laden every Sunday night. It makes for a much brighter start to the week.
After all the talk about caves, bin Laden was hiding in a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan. The CIA became suspicious when they learned there was a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan.

[osreb]

A fellow evidently under the influence was trying desperately to catch a train back to his suburban home. Three times he got on the wrong train. Each time he was told that he would have to take another train. When he boarded a fourth train he slumped down in a seat beside a clergyman, whose eyes, ears and nose told him that this new passenger had been drinking too much. He told our besotted friend, "Brother, may I tell you that you are traveling the rough and rocky road to damnation."

To which the drunk replied, "Don't tell me I'm on the wrong fucking train again!"

[osreb]

Your Life Is About To Signs Change...

10. While watching the news, you spot your spouse marching in a Gay Pride parade.

9. The bank notifies you that your paycheck has bounced.

8. On a densely foggy morning, while driving in the center lane of a highway, you suddenly run out of gas.

7. You arrive at your wedding to find, two ushers, four bridesmaids and six pallbearers.

6. You ask your doctor for a physical and he replies, "I'm sorry, I don't do autopsies."

5. The IRS invites you to a weenie-roast and the invitation begins with, "Dear Weenie.. "

4. While surfing the internet, you suddenly get the following dialogue box: ICBM launch successful. Confirm strike? (Y/N)

3. You hear that your dentist has been arrested for using radioactive material as tooth-filling.

2. At the vacant house next door, you notice a U-Haul van and a truck which looks similar to the ones on old Beverly Hillbillies TV show.

1. Your twelve year old daughter suddenly develops a craving for pickles and ice cream.

__._,_.___

[osreb]

A priest and a rabbi walked into a bar. After sitting down, ordering, and some chit chat the priest said, "Have you noticed there are no women in this bar?" He then realized the truth, "I think we're in a gay bar."

A man approached and tried to flirt with the priest. The priest was dumbfounded, and didn't know what to do. The rabbi leaned over and whispered something in the man's ear. The man nodded and walked off.

The relieved priest said, "Thanks, what did you tell him?"

The rabbi replied, "I just told him we're on our honeymoon."

[osreb]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, And as she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine Into someone's day, he went to pay for his Groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk..

"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said You'd be paying for her things, too."

[osreb]

You can't make this stuff up - see pic 1

[osreb]

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

The husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

"Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they're too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,



'Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?