April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

What Gets Longer When Pulled,
Fits Between your Boobs,
Inserts Neatly in a Hole

and works best when it is jerked?
Scroll down.....














Seatbelt
you pervert!

[Indianoutlawesq]

From a local pop art museum.



IO

ENF/Stripping Story Board
http://disc.yourwebapps.com/Indices/58894.html

[osreb]

I heard yesterday that "The Simpsons " are now the longest running series on TV.
The fellow on the radio also said that Homer Simpson had 3 sentences that will get you through life.

"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life.

Number one, 'cover for me.'

Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.'

Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.' " – Homer Simpson

[osreb]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Washington Post had a contest wherein participants were asked to tell the younger generation how much harder they had it "in the old days." Winners, runners-up, and honorable mentions are listed below.

Second Runner-Up:

- In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.

First Runner-Up:

- In my day, we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them not like today.

And the winner:
- In my day, we didn't have rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.

Honorable Mentions:

- In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes.

- In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.

- In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked- off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out, it sc****d along the tunnel all the way to the next station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar.

- In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.

- Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise.

- Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of gray- haired, liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray- haired, liberal 60-year-old guys.

- Back in my day, they hadn't invented electricity. We had to watch television by candlelight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[osreb]

A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man.

"Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?"

Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, "sn*tched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms... is that really what you want for us?"

"No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick.

"Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."

[osreb]

A prostitute had a slow night and decided to catch a cab home. When she got home she told the cabbie that she had no money, then she lifted her skirt and said, "take it outta that!" the cabbie turned round and said to the pro, "haven't you got anything smaller?"

---------------------------------------------

flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said,
"Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub"

[osreb]

One day a five year old little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned how you get a baby. The mother was amused and said, "Oh really sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?" The little girl then explained, "Well, the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's wiener stands way up high, and the mommy kneels on the floor and puts the daddy's wiener in her mouth, and then the daddy's wiener sort of explodes and makes sticky juice into the mommy's mouth, and then the mommy swallows the sticky juice, and that's how you get a baby." The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over to meet her eye to eye and said, "Oh honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get a baby. That's how you get jewelry."

[osreb]

A young blonde woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. What size would you like?"

The blonde responds, "Oh, just mix them up, I am not going steady with anyone right now."

[osreb]

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence

He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"

He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner,

Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual..

Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled:

"See what you get for fifty pounds, you tight bastard?!"

[osreb]

The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his college class. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told his students, "You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod." What was pretty much the end of learning for that day.
************************************************

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked. "Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa." "You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested. Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted. “All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"