April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

You lexiphiles (lover of words) know this — you can tune a piano, but you
can't tuna fish... and I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Take a look at some others. We need to have a laugh about now.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

A boiled egg, is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a
rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's
all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your
Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

[osreb]

John and Jennifer left the fertility clinic in tears. They were just told that Jennifer could never become pregnant. They would never have the family they both desired so fervently.

Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them. "I think I can help you," he said, handing them a card.

"Why are you masked?" John asked.

"Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor will take a scraping from one of your mouths and culture it. In less than a year, we will have your baby for you."

"This is the answer to our prayers!" Jennifer exclaimed. Then she turned to thank the stranger but he was gone. "Who was that masked man?" she asked her husband.

John answered, "That was the Clone Arranger."

************************************************

Fireman rescued a man who was badly injured in a car accident. The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right. The nurses said there wasn’t much left.

__._,_.___

The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country's leader. The decree was honored until there were so many bengal tigers running loose that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power. This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.

[osreb]

Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn't seen in almost four years.

As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a purple heart on!"

To which the mother replied, "I don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Joneses for a couple hours."

[osreb]

Women with Big Boobs
...can get a taxi on the worst days.
...have men give them the best seats on a bus.
...have a neat place to carry spare change.
...have always been the center of the arts (art).
...make jogging a spectator sport.
...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub.
...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them).
...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie.
...can always carry a little extra cash.
...always float better.
...know where to look first for lost earrings.
...rarely lack for a slow dance partner.
...have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner.
...never have to buy a car with airbags.
...have a place to carry a extra beer.

Women with Little Boobs
...don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public.
...always look younger.
...find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap.
...can always see their toes and shoes.
...can sleep on their stomachs.
...have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars.
...know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts.
...know that everything more than a handful is wasted.
...can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle.
...can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out.
...never be accused of having implants.

[osreb]

- The Bureau of Meteorology forecasts rainstorms so the bride can expect a few good inches overnight.

- Love is a thousand miles long but comes in six inch installments.

- "The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it."

- Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.

- Sorry I cannot be at Wedding... Please send me a photo of Bride and Groom mounted.

- Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and she'll last for many years.

- Don't keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door.

- Treat him like a flower... grab him by the stalk.

- If you don't want the stork to come, shoot in the air.

- Go for it mate. We all did!

- All the best from Mr. and Mrs. Farkin and all the Farkin kids.

- She offered her honor, He honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.

- Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an Off- Spring next Spring.

- Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, One long hard route.

- Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whisky makes you Frisky, but its a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.

- Travel Agency to Bride: The grooms face leaves at midnight. Be on it.

- Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.

- Football coach to bride: If you've tried him in 18 positions and he's still no good, pull him off.

- Treat the Bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.

[osreb]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

[jeroen4u]

Are there more pictures of here: https://forum.oneclickchicks.com/atta...3&d=1301445736

[osreb]

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the
Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the
Urologist is a very pretty female doctor The female doctor says,
"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a
little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to
lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your
prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The old guy obeys and says,"99" The doctor says, "Great". Now
turn over on your left side and again, while repeat the check, take
a deep breath and say, '99".
Again, the old guy says, '99'."
The doctor said, Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back
with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate
with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your
penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The old guy begins, "One ... Two ....Three".


You don't stop laughing because you grow old . You grow old because you stop laughing!!!

[osreb]

Well if this is true we all at OCC should be pretty healthy.

[osreb]

Proof that you can't ever underestimate the creativeness of American boys for mischief.
With considering all the brilliant, devious minds we had in high school, I don't know how we missed doing this...

At a high school in Montana, a group of students played a April fools prank....they let three goats loose inside the school. But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, and 4.
School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3...

April Fools thread in 2 years old..hope I gave those who click on this thread a laugh or two.

Osreb