April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

And they say there are no new business ideas?

Lady Selling Margaritas on the Beach (pic 1)

reportedly clearing $1250.00 per day...


The jobs are out there!!

***** BURNING MAN PIC REMOVED *****

[osreb]

Fango, I had idea that pic was from Burning Man...

new joke to go with above pics:

Dennis was called in for an audit by the IRS. So, he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper, " the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi who would surely know the correct answer. He told him of the conflicting advice he had received, and asked what he should do.

"Let me tell you a story, " replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother advised; wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks."

But when the woman asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. "Wear your sexiest negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel."

The man did not understand. "But Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"It doesn't matter what you wear, " replied the Rabbi, "you're going to get screwed."

[osreb]

On our 25th anniversary, my husband took me out to dinner. Our teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for us when we returned. After we got home, we saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"

"I suppose," my husband responded, "we could vacuum."

[osreb]

Undies

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that the because boys keep asking her to do cartwheels she's very good at doing them.

Mom said: "YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies".

Susie said: "I know they do ... that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!
__._,_.___


A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk. "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words."

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use Big People' words."

She then asked little Alex what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SH*T."


__._,_.___

[osreb]

The newlyweds were planning their family. She said she wanted three children. He said he two was enough.

The argument got heated so he decided to end it by saying boldly, "Well, then, after our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without hesitating, she retorted, "Then I hope you'll love our third child as if it's your own!"

[osreb]

This college girl comes back to the dorm after spending all day hiking in the wilderness with her boyfriend. After her shower she's toweling off when her roommate notices her ass all bruised up black and blue.

"Good heavens! What happened to you? You're all bruised up."

She replied, "Well, you know how it goes, just got caught between a rock and a hard-on..."

[osreb]

A married couple goes to a marriage counselor to work out some problems.

The counselor sits them down and says "Let's start by talking about what you both have in common."

The husband says "Well for starters, neither one of us will suck a dick."

[osreb]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ..'

[osreb]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming, too.... I want to see how you live on $800 a year."

[osreb]

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."

The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business..."