Sharing of the wife - Challenges

[clitty]

Well, it went bad last week. She wouldn't stop seeing or talking to the guy she cheated on me with.

She wanted to be with him, and I kicked her out of my home. She is unable to see what she is doing, is wrong.

I am not going to get into the details at this moment, but I'll do another post in a few days as I collect my head.

Things were done wrong, knee-jerk reactions. If anything, this thread serves as a timeline for MYSELF and OTHERS to see where things went horribly wrong.

As I go backwards more and more, Dec, Nov, Oct, AUG... and in the end, the problem started right here, on the my first post, on page one. We thought we had our boundaries, we did not. She is in an affair fog and simply not seeing the reality of what she is doing. The success rate for a relationship that is created by an affair is less than 1%. Because a "love" built on pain and destruction is not a good foundation to start with. She doesn't think it will fail.

There were times when the brakes should have been applied HARD and we had hours long talks about what were were doing. What started out with us being an open relationship had morphed into a Hotwifing without us knowing it... if this was a random or a rare play partner, this would be one thing. But the constant sex with the co-worker and them hanging around all the time - turned into an affair, behind my back. They even say "its not an affair!" - but they are full of shit.

This was not an Open Relationship as she thought it was, and even has told people it was. And worse, a few of her crazy friends have outed us as an OR ex-couple too, but far worse than that - they have exaggerated or out-right lies of things that we simply did not do which is very disturbing. One of them told lies to my EX-W, that I too would leave me, except they were not true.

If we were in an Open Relationship, we'd have a more balanced partner sharing. We should have done less. And the thing is, everything was a mistake caused by communication failure on HER part, more than mine. I tried to not show jealousy by letting her have fun... this was a mistake, I should have voiced my issues much stronger. Not just the anger side - but the HURT side. That I was developing issues with what we were doing.

Some of the BS her friends have made public, that are such BS is things like "He brought men to her, to have sex with" "He had Fuked many man women" on and on - total bullshit. Things that are very disturbing and out-right lies. One of them, might have been told lies by my EX. When people start an affair, they - especially women, will re-write their marital history. Where the betrayed becomes the bad guy, didn't like her that much, etc.

In truth, when we first dated - I was into open relationships and she had a 3-way relationship at an earlier point in her life, but she didn't understand the various Open Relationship types. I told her I could wait and she can decide when she ready to try OR sex. It would be years before she said "Lets play with that couple".

But I did a count. The number of we had sex with since we got together was:
ME = 3 women (Not including breast play with others - both of us)
Her = 30 people (6 of the were women. 12 of them were strictly blowjobs, leaving 12 men she had intercourse with)

Not a single one of them, I forced her to have sex with. Some, she did without me knowing and told me after the fact... but hey, we're open relationship. And the kicker is, one of the things that bugged the hell out of her all these years as she told me in one of our last talks before she was kicked out.

1 - She said she did it all for me, for love!
2 - She didn't like seeing me have sex with other women, yet one of them was a her friend hers and they had sex with each other too!
3 - But she had all the sex partners, not me.
4 - Get this, over time with these few women - I was realizing I didn't want to be with another woman.

Never during this time, did I forget to love my wife! And now she is gone, she is a shell of the woman I once was totally in love with, just a few short months ago. She is now a very bad person who has done cruel things to me.

The thing she can't see, is that everything she has done and continues to do - is that of someone who is or was in an affair. She doesn't see anything BAD with that young man. He's all perfect in every way, no flaws. He doesn't see any in her. Sorry, but breaking up your marriage over lies is pretty low.

I am very destroyed from everything that has happened. Things should have been slower and she should have spoken up earlier, or been truthful with her issues. But she wasn't and I didn't know.

I'm recovering and wanting to date other women. I have no desire to get back that dead-thing, that was once my beloved wife. But I am in grief of her being what she is - evil and ugly inside out. She has little morals and no soul. She has no sympathy for what she is doing me and our family unit or what she has done. She doesn't care.

Someday, the fog will lift from her, and she'll see what she has lost. I won't be there waiting.

*sob*

[nectcouple]

Sorry, buddy. I hope you don't fall to temptation and change your mind again because it'll only prolong the inevitable. I didn't hit the "Thanks" button above because I am not thankful for what you are going through but I do thank you for publishing it.

[cufan86]

You've done everything you could to save your marriage. It takes two dedicated people for a relationship to work, and you are one person short.

You can either close the door and move on or drag this out for months. The end result will be the same.

[captaintrips]

This does sound like it is the end of a painful road. Get the papers served and do it quickly. And remember that while revenge is not good, the best form of revenge is your own personal success. Move on and starting looking for a new better relationship.

Good luck buddy.

[clitty]

No papers need to be served. But I need to make a few changes to our Orders. We are no longer married, its just child custody rights. Her drinking and drug abuse knocks her out of being a joint parent. She got a lot of issues to be worked out.

I'm still working on getting her out of my system. But - BUT because of our child and my empathy - which is a core part of my being, I want her back... I want us to restart something, maybe in the future. I don't know - I am not counting on it. She is still deep in the affair fog (i'm still in my own fog, but its barely there) which doesn't allow her to see clearly.

My brain says dump her, my heart says "I want to hold you".

[britrob]

hate to say it but you'll probably never get her out of your system especially with the good things that have gone between you especially the kids. I divorced almost 30 years ago and there are still times when I think back to the good things or wonder what has happened to her.
I do have to remember the tough times to balance that out!
Having said that my wife of 27 years is way better in everyway and my life as a whole has become much more positive in many, many ways.
Time, as the cliché says, is a great healer but you always have some scar tissue - it's up to you how you grow from it.

Good luck and I'm really sorry that the highs turned so low so quickly.
Rob

[clitty]

Its been about 3 months since my last post. I’ll try to keep this short as I’ve got a lot on my plate.
Legally, nothing has changed – paper work for custody filed and done, she agreed to my terms months earlier and no desire to change. Her legal issue continues for another few months of her own doing.

I had started dating soon after my last post. She had continue seeing the POSOM (Piece Of Shit Other Man) since I kicked her out and she had to live with relatives. They were unhappy about what she had done/continued to do and POSOM wasn’t welcomed or not allowed in their homes, depending on who.

I continued working out, getting therapy, reading books on infidelity and other self-help books. I meet a nice woman, slightly older than my EX and started dating regularly. She’s a bit kinky, dances very well and we enjoy talking. But all things considering, we know that I am not good for a serious relationship – so I was upfront with my personal issues so nobody gets hurt. Many other women (21~40) that know me from the club scenes are upset with the situation but also want to jump my bones since I am available. So why not, right?
I do as good as I can, but I did have break downs in clubs, luckily friends supported me and helped me feel better. I reduced my drinking quite a lot because of depression and that Doc’s have put me on anti-mood-swing meds to keep me stable and reduce my anxiety attacks which we’re daily and very painful. (I never had one in my life) I’m talking about head exploding, heart trying to rip itself out of my chest painful. Instead of a typical BP of 125/90, I was hitting 150’s, sometimes I was 170~180s/110+. The pain was worse than anything else I or you can imagine, worse than breaking bones.

We started co-parenting, which SUCKS big time. Developed major issues with her having my son interact with the POSOM. We either didn’t talk much or was at each other's throats. I had arranged for us to see a Marriage consular before the shit hit the fan, so I got her to go to a few session so we could WORK on getting past our anger and communicate the for sake of our son. Ie: be on generally good terms with each other. But things got heated and she didn’t show up anymore, but I continued as the Doc switch gears to help me heal and move on.

[clitty]

About 6 weeks ago, while having drinks at a bar with my regular date woman “Ann” (She is cool with me having sex with other women), we are setting up plans for the next two weekend dates in which she will dress up all sexy and logistics for picking her up, etc. And we talk about other things. She then tells me “You are still in love with your ex.” For which I nod and drink. Ann has never met or knows my EX or any of our social circles.

Next night, my EX calls up and asks for us to go bowling and talk about serious stuff. I said sure, grabbed my ball and I’m on a 40+ min drive to pick her up. We bowl, but don’t talk about our SNAFU or any drama. Just eat, light chit-chat and had fun. I drop her off at her home (she lives with her family) and head back. I start crying by the time I get to the end of her street before getting onto the HWY. Yeah, I want her back.

Two days later, after I leave a session, my EX calls me… asks me if I saw her FB PM she sent, I said now. As local concerts with our favorite bands are coming up and I hate the idea of HER going without me so I figured it was about that. She texted “Can we talk and work things out?” We go to voice and talk and cry. She has been doing her own research about relationships and is seeing her flawed logic in breaking us up. I immediately cancel my drive towards the gym and we go out for dinner and talk seriously. We both admit that we wanted to hug and kiss each other at the bowling alley. We go over serious points and decide to go out on a first date on Friday – which we do, and had a great time, neither of us drinks.

The “ex” says she wants to go to therapy with me, which she does. We both get a lot of issues knocked out. Yeah, we both have flaws – but she badly chose to cheat and throw everything away. I also tell her that its not fair for me to cancel my dates with Ann and my EX agrees. My Ex texts the POSOM (with me sitting next to her – and he calls back) that she is dumping him. She then deletes photos off her phone, FB and anything connected to him.
My dates with Ann are non-sexual, I gave her the heads up and she is supportive. I introduce her to my social circles as she knows nobody, and they like her. So she can meet and date guys and have fun with people who she now knows. She is now, only a friend. No sex, no dating.

Our son has suffered her being gone and the bad energy between us. But he’s doing better with us together.

I’ve told her, this is more than just my needs, its about the three of us. We continue to self help, go to therapy meetings together and with different ICs for our individual needs. We read, we talk more openly now than ever before. I do want my “wife” to be back as a family unit. The OLD relationship is *DEAD*, so we’re technically “BF/GF” and will refer to her as GF, rather than EX or Wife. I’m still healing and doing quite well, Doc feels we are making great progress, but its going to be a tough road for us. After-all, each time she lied /ran-off to see the POSOM – it caused more and more severe damage to each other. I hope we work out, I do love her. I don’t want to co-parent. Together we are better parents and our son will be happier. And she has been sober for 4 months, yea!

My dick works great for my GF, the issues I had before were not related to her being bad or anything, it was a personal issue that took a while for my body & brain to work out. She had thought I lost sexual interests.

Oh, we’re a mono couple. Will we do kinky things and go to parties? YES! Soon? NO! Its something we both can’t handle for obvious reasons. We’ll just be doing kinky stuff with each other, even if its public.

I do love her. And being with her, feels good. I really hope we get past 12 months, then 5 years, then beyond.

I will leave this thread up to help others and do updates if needed. I may start new threads of new adventures, if its exciting and she is cool about it.

[clitty]

Yes, it's been a long time since my last post... so here is the update:

I and my ex went to couples therapy, we rekindled... we were a mono couple. I proposed to her before 2017, she accepted. Sometime around Spring of 2017, she made contact with the affair partner, kid. I caught her. We started therapy again and on her dime.

She would at times push for us to open our relationship. She cheated and had sex with the guy, in our home while I was at work a few times. Caught them. But she promised again, to work on us.

She then started a relationship behind my back with her "best friend" - the one who lived with us for a while and gone to sex venues together. Nevermind that he told me/us that he didn't want the drama of having a girlfriend and text AND told me that he wouldn't want to be in the kind of mess he saw me and my fiancee with the young guy in the past... this dumbshit decided he's in love with my fiancee (and her to him) and stuck in dick into my family.

Needless to say, she is no longer my fiancee. When I confirmed and confronted her about the cheating, sex and other crap behind my back... she decided to the jig was up, end our relationship and move in with her "friend".

Things turned into more shit. I've been assaulted by her again, police and courts are involved. Child custody, etc. And after a few months, apparently, he has thrown her out of his house. So what did she win?

She never took the time and respect the concept of a couple who love each other to have proper communications to have any sort of open relationship. Turns out she had worse mental problems and drug abuse addictions she was also hiding from me.

She is an EX. I loved her very much and wish she loved me, respected our relationship TO each other, wasn't a liar or a cheater. I miss her dearly, the one woman I have loved so much in my life.

I have many friends who are poly, swinging and etc. I am not against the lifestyle... but it's important that the couple does communicate and are honest with each other. Cheating *IS* cheating, being monogamous or not, it makes no difference. Being mono, doesn't keep anyone from cheating.

I have not been here for a long time. I wish I had better news and stories to tell you... I am heartbroken for our loss. She lost as well, for all the wrong reasons.

I still hope this thread is helpful to others, that IF you don't share completely with each other - there will be problems.

[nectcouple]

Wow! It sure has been a while. I'm glad you're back but I wish it was with better news. Sorry to hear about your continued problems. I too, have decided to open up my marriage, but unlike your wife, my wife realizes that complete honesty and open clarity are a must.

My wife has been talking with and occasionally fucking a "boyfriend" that she met through OCC and I know and approve of each time they have gotten together. In fact, whenever possible, I have been a willing participant (which is awesome). Because of recent family issues and my horrendous work schedule, I believe they will be getting together alot without me and I won't deny either of them the opportunity to meet. However, I am certain that I will know about their plans beforehand, and will enjoy their stories soon afterwards!
It also helps that I know and genuinely like the guy. He has become a good friend of mine.

Please don't be a stranger here and again, welcome back!

Mr. Nectcouple