April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Nice to have intermet you!

Dot Con: The process of making money from the internet.

Faceless: What happens when you get either vindictive or drunk and post on Facebook, someone finds it offensive and your account is suspended.

Game-Shame: The feeling of slight embarrassment that occurs when you realise what you thought was about half an hour of game play was actually about five hours, especially when you have inadvertently missed an event to which, under normal circumstances, you would have assigned a higher priority than game play.

Intermet: Ending friendly e-mail conversations with a new acquaintance: “nice to have intermet you.” A smiley emoticon is optional.

Meanderthal: Someone who tries to drive or walk while using a mobile phone.

Memail: E-mail sent to yourself to remind you to do things. Everyone else spends all day reading and sending e-mail to each other, but you prefer yours to be private.

Nerds-Nest: The tangle of cables behind your TV or desk.

Plugthug: Someone who’d kill for access to recharging facilities.

Sheeple: People who have to go out and buy the latest gadget (usually one whose name starts with an “i”) just because they believe that everyone else is getting one, and they can’t bear the thought of being left out.

Spamnesia: Failing to reply to e-mails from friends, because your computer thinks they’re spam.

[osreb]

I just bought this new gauge tool from Lowe's Tool Dept.

It takes a while to learn all the settings but I'm pretty handy

and was patient, so I figured it out eventually.

You know for sure with this gauge, that it is the true dimensions and there is no more guessing!

Lowe's......A man's toy store.........

Tool is pic1

[osreb]

A husband and wife were watching a TV program about psychology
And explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".

Th husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of
Crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and
Sad at the same time."


She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

[osreb]

A retired Four-Star General ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come to work for him as his valet.

"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the General said. "Nothing to it - you'll catch on again fast."

After some discussion and several drinks, the former orderly agreed to become the General's valet.

The next morning, promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-General's bedroom, pulled open the d****s, gave the General a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."

[osreb]

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having children is an act of God!"

Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers."

[osreb]

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=MZ35SOU9HTM


Listen all the way to the end..

[osreb]

A young bride of Italian ancestry, maybe Jewish, could have been Greek, you pick it, had a fight with her new husband and is in tears.

She is completely distraught and calls her mother to tell her,

"We had a horrible fight mother,
I am coming to live with you."

Her mother says,
"No darling, he must pay for his mistake.
I am coming to live with you

[osreb]

A survey asked women:

"What would you do if you woke up and had a penis?"

Here are some of their responses:

- I would walk around and prod my husband all night long with it, whatever he is doing I'll be there prodding him with it.

- I would write my name in the snow.

- I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk and say, 'Where is my raise?'

- I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him and tell him to roll over and try something new.

- I would want a big one and show it off to everyone.

- I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed.

- I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing.

- I would measure it both ways.

- Pee off of a tall building.

- I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed.

- I would treat women better with it.

- I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day.

- Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything.

- Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it.

- I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot.

- Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best.

- Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around.

- See how many donuts I could carry with it.

- Check out my boyfriend's gag reflexes!

[confed1470]

that last one of the chick smoking and hand jobbing-that's by the late artist dash snow and the original poloroid is worth probably 20 grand. He's a 'high' artist and his material being on a so-called porn site is ultra post modern. wow!

[iltom]

another awesome thread