April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

She was a very patriotic prostitute. She charged only $17.76, but she did it only with minutemen.


Mrs. Grayson was taking care of some correspondence when her precocious six-year-old daughter ran in and tugged at her sleeve. "Mommy, can I have a baby?" "Of course not, dear," her mother replied, without missing a keystroke. "Are you sure?" the little girl persisted. "Very sure. Now run along, dear" As she ran to rejoin her playmates in the yard, the child called out, "OK, fèllas, same game!"


The Dean of an all-women Christian college was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A somewhat less-than-virginal-looking student in the back of the room rose to ask a question of her own: "How do you make it last an hour?"



A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator. The pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said, "Come this way." The woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need a vibrator!"

[osreb]

no Joke:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_n1zoU8G_M

[osreb]

150 Movie Lines & Catch-Phrases

How Many Can You Recognize?

1st go to:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zA6LkQw470w

A celebration of various lines and catch-phrases from the history of film, past and present.
Show first at http://goo.gl/5s9Qe with a complete list of every line in order with each film, who said it, and the correct context in which they're said.

[osreb]

A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in oral sex. "Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very dangerous beast out there!"

But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed happening. They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing.

"Well, err, if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration. Yeah, that's it, it's artificial respiration!"

"WOW!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next!"


__._,_.___

[ftwpeeker]

Originally Posted by osreb

A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in oral sex. "Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very dangerous beast out there!"

But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed happening. They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing.

"Well, err, if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration. Yeah, that's it, it's artificial respiration!"

"WOW!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next!"


__._,_.___

that would be the pearl neckless with clusters badge keep them coming Osreb

[MacNfries]

I always love stopping by this thread to read the jokes ... thanks to those who manage it. Thought I would contribute one of my own. This one is best told in person, doing the acting of the preacher:

The Tent Revival (scene) A sawdust, tent revival somewhere in the deep, South, on a hot, summer night.

The old, country preacher had been preaching God's word for over an hour, as his congregation sat on foldup chairs, using their church bulletins to fan and cool themselves of the hot, summer night. It was nearing the end of the service, and it was time for the old country preacher to call God's sinners to the front to get their salvation and redemption. In the background, the old pump organ played "The Old Rugged Cross".

"Oh Lord, I know there are sinners tonight that need saving ... that need that heavy burden lifted ... let them come and lay their sins at the foot of the alter tonight."
(no one in the congreation left their seat, and the preacherman loosened his tie)

"Oh Lord, speak to their hearts tonight. Let them know that salvation and forgiveness is their only way through the gates of heaven. Bring 'em on, yes, bring 'em on to Jesus"
(still noone stirred in the congregation, and beads of swet appeared on the preachers forehead)

"Oh Lord, save thes sinners amongst us ... stir their sinful hearts, o'Lord ... come down and repent their sins ... and tell it all to Jesus".
(still noone moved, and the preacher took off his coat and rolled up his sleeves)

"Oh Heavenly Father, talk to their hearts. Lift them from their seats, and help them find peace in their hearts and salvation tonight ... in the name of our Father, tell it all to Jesus"

Suddenly, from the back of the tent, come a tall, skinny country boy, head bowed, crying, and dragging his feet through the sawdust ... he fell to his knees, at the feet of the preacherman, saying ... "Ohhhh preacher, I am such a terrible sinner. My heart is so heavy with these burdends ... I lied to my wife and went to a strip club to lust at naked women ... and I cheated my business partner out of $1,000 ... "

The preacherman put his left hand on the boy's head, lifted up his right hand to the heavens, and yelled out "YES, son, tell it all to Jesus, tell it ALL to Jesus" ...

The country boy continued ... "and preacher, 2 nights ago I went to the barn and had sex with one of the sheep, and ... "

The preacherman jumped back, wide eyed, rolled down his sleeves, put his coat back on, tightened up his tie, and wiped his forehead, then leaned over to the country boy and whispered ... "damn, son, I don't think I'd of told that one if I was you!"

[osreb]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"
"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

[osreb]

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

4. Sex has no calories.

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

[osreb]

Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl finally called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the 'conversation'.

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with a neighbor. "My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls," she said.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband!"

*************************************************

A mother and her young son were flying
Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago .
The little boy, who had been looking out the window,
turned to his mother and asked,
'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,
why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer,
told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant,
'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,
why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The busy flight attendant smiled and said,
'Did your mother tell you to ask me?'

The boy said, 'Yes, she did.'

'Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no
baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.
ask her to explain that to you.'

[osreb]

Two guys are riding to work on the bus. They both see two dogs going at it on a lawn.

One guy, who's married, looks at the other and says, "Jeez, I'd give anything to do my wife like that."

The other, a single guy, says, "Heck, that's easy. Just feed her three martinis."

The same two guys are riding the bus to work the next morning. The single one asks the other, "Well, did you get to do it to your wife doggie style?"

The married guy replies, "Yes, but it took SIX martinis."

The single guy exclaims, "SIX martinis! Why so many?"

The husband replies, "Hell, it took three just to get her out onto the lawn."