April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

On our 25th anniversary, my husband took me out to dinner. Our teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for us when we returned. After we got home, we saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"

"I suppose," my husband responded, "we could vacuum."

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Miss, would you help me?" a customer at a department store asked a female clerk. "I would like to purchase a birthday gift for my brother. What do you suggest for a man who has everything?"

The clerk offered, "My phone number?"

_________________________________________________

My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were driving through Georgia.

Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when he walked up to the car.

"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.

"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"

[osreb]

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With 'Carnation Milk is best of all.'

She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of her house.

A man got out and said, 'Carnation' LOVED your entry so much! We are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it!'

see pic 1

[osreb]

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here... these coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep... they're eatin' 'em!"

[osreb]

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux worked together in a Louisiana factory... and both were laid off.

They went to the unemployment office together.
Asked his occupation, Boudreaux said, 'Panty stitcher. I sew da elastic onto
da ladies cotton panties.'

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled
labor, she gave Boudreaux $300 a week in unemployment compensation.
Thibodeaux, when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel fitter.'

The clerk looked up diesel fitter and found it was classified as a skilled
job. So, the clerk gave Thibodeaux $600 a week in unemployment compensation.

When Boudreaux found this out, he was furious! He stormed back into the
office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his
benefits.

The clerk explained, 'Panty stitchers are unskilled labor and diesel fitters
are skilled labor.'

'Wut skill?' yelled Boudreaux. 'I sew da elastic on da panties. Thibodeaux
puts dem over his head and says, 'Yeah...DIESEL FITTER.'

[osreb]

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida

with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his

old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"

Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station.

My beautiful Virginia , she pack a biga basket a food.

She brough at da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we

were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket.

The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say,

'no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car,

eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!

Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say,

'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar.

The conductore, he waga is finger again and say, 'No a

smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.'

"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car

anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada

and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at

a top of his a voice..

'Nofolk Virginia ! Nofolk Virginia !'

"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus ....

[osreb]

There once was a woman from Latch,
Who jacked herself off with a match.
She got so excited,
The damn thing ignited,
And burnt all the hair off her sn*tch.


Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.


How come I can have sex with a woman for free, and it's legal. In order to get her to have sex with me, I can buy her drinks and dinner, and it still remains legal. However, if I pay a woman to have sex with me, it becomes illegal. But, if I pay a woman to have sex with me on camera, and distribute copies for it for profit, it suddenly becomes legal again.

[osreb]

Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."

"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord it's 2011, and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

Ole says...."How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?"

[osreb]

Who the hell is ‘Larry’?

Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, ‘Where the hell have you been?’

Larry replies, ‘I was out getting a tattoo.’

‘A tattoo?’ she frowned. ‘What kind of tattoo did you get?’

‘I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis,’ he said proudly.

‘What the hell were you thinking?! She said, shaking her head in disgust.

‘Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis?’

“Well, One, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”

[onlyheubsch]

This is the best thread....no fooling !!

the pics are nice also...

[osreb]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike
running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing
and puffing, he finally gives up..


The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10
lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but
Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me
you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape
and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same
routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that
he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls
the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most
rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a
huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a
sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week!!!!