April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

The Kiss



A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[osreb]

Two widowed senior citizens ladies were discussing their sex lives and the first lady said that she had not had any since her husband had died 5 years ago.

The second lady said she gets all the free young sex she wants.

Well, this got the first lady's attention right now, and she wanted to know how she managed that.

The second lady told her that when she went to buy groceries that she parked as far from the entrance of the store as possible; and as the young carry out boy carried her groceries to her car, she just let him know in a very subtle way that she was available.

The first lady was very hesitant about doing that. But one day she was feeling very horny and decided what the heck, she was going to give it a try.

She went to the grocery store and parked as far from the entrance as possible and bought a BIG bunch of groceries, a lot of things she didn't even need!

As the young carry out boy was carrying her groceries to the car she kind of rubbed up against him and whispered in a very nervous, low, loving and tender voice that she has an itchy pussy.

He turns to her and said, "Lady, all of these foreign cars look alike to me. You're just going to have to point it out."


__._,_.___

[osreb]

The major difference between wives and husbands who are trying to have children is wives want to videotape the birth of their child while husbands want to videotape the conception.


What do a blonde and a good beer have in common? They both go down easy.



A very attractive redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man.

"Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?"

Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, "sn*tched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms - is that really what you want for us?"

"No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick.

"Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."

[osreb]

Did you hear about the guy who was in a bar about as drunk as its possible to get.


A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and
take him home. First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can
find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down.

He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.
His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home."

The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"

[osreb]

A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No, wait... sorry…

I'm thinking of whiskey.

It’s whiskey that does all that shit.

Never mind.

[osreb]

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.
It is called the 401-Keg plan.

[flintlockmdj]

I went to a national chain breakfast restaurant recently. They weren't very busy but I had to wait for an extremely long time for my food after ordering it. The manager walked by and I told her the problem and that at a competitor I could have already eaten my food and left. She looked at me dead serious and with a streight face told me "I know what I am talking about, I used to work for that company and we use different eggs, that's why it takes so long." They walk among us!

[osreb]

WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

------------------------------------------------
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.


----------------------------------------------
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their

position..

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

------------------------------------------------

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'


------------------------------------------------

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up..'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

[osreb]

For all Who Work With Rude Customers, shame WE can't actually do this! An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.

The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. 'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F---you".

The attendant smiled and said back to him, "I'm sorry, you'll have to wait in line for that too."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++

and check this out if you like English humor..

http://www.flixxy.com/my-blackberry-is-not-working.htm

[fredfox]

A guy walks into a bar with a cat and an ostrich.The guy buys a drink for himself ,one for the cat and one for the ostrich. The ostrich then buys the drinks, however when it comes to the cats turn it simply gets up and walks out.

The barman looks at the guy and asks what was going on, the guy sighed and said "It's all my fault, I must have rubbed the genie up the wrong way, I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy"