April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Obama recently signed the bill that will allow gays to serve openly in the
military. No more Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

What he has done has raised the potential for more confusion in the ranks.
Confusion during the heat of battle is not uncommon but it is not a good thing
when focus, concentration and discipline are vitally important and can mean the

difference between life and death.

Consider the following scenario ...


You're in a combat situation, the enemy is firing at you and one is running
directly toward your position ...

The guy next to you is openly gay, someone yells out ...

"SHOOT THE COCKSUCKER !!!! "

Do you see the potential for confusion?

[osreb]

Late one night in the Capitol City a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"

[osreb]

A plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain.
His co-pilot is Chinese.

It's the first time they've flown together and an
awkward silence between the two, seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates
the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."

"No rike Chinese?" asks the co-pilot, "why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"

"No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Pearl Hahbah!
That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, doesn't matter, you're all alike!"

There's a few minutes of silence.

"I no rike Jews either!" the co-pilot suddenly announces.

"Oh yeah, why not?" asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic!" says the co-pilot.

"What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an Iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg,

No mattah... all same!!!"

[osreb]

*The family all got together recently, and were just
hanging around at Mom and Dad's.
My sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed
at a little piece of trivia she had found in the book,
which she then read aloud; "Did you know that a
woman's breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?"
My brother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back,
"So, how come yours don't?"
My father, from behind his newspaper and without
even a pause, replied, "You're not pumping hard enough."*

[osreb]

The country doctor was just returning from a delivery at an outlying cattle ranch, when he crossed paths with the town's gossip.

"Doctor Wilson, how is the Smith baby?"

"Well, the child was born without a wiener," the doctor said.

"Oh, oh my goodness!" said the gossip...and with a smile on her face, she turned to head into town to spread the news.

Before she could take off to spread the news, the doctor quickly grabbed her arm, bent his head over and whispered in her ear, "But, she'll have a damn nice place to put one in 20 years!"

[osreb]

SCOTTISH FEMALE COMPASSION

A truly touching story….

SCOTTISH COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt
sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No,' so
she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so
she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked laddie?'
The man broke into a big smile and said, ‘no’.

She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in.'

[osreb]

teacher was reviewing her class's homework assignment. She asked Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated.

Susie stood up, shuffled her feet and said, "Well, I think I know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you."

The teacher said, "Sit down, Susie. Johnny, tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its size when stimulated."

Johnny said, "That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated by light."

The teacher said, "That's right, Johnny."

Then she turned to Susie and said, "Susie, first of all, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, when you get married, you're in for a big disappointment."

[osreb]

A man is on his way home from the pub one night and decides to take a short-cut through an unlit park.

A woman approaches him and offers to fu*k his brains out for £5.

The man thinks to himself that this is too good a chance to miss, so hands over the £5.

She leads him into the bushes and they start having it away.

A policeman happens to pass by, hears them at it and notices the bushes shaking.

He approaches, shines his torch on the pair and asks the man what he's doing.

The man replies calmly, "I'm just having sex with my wife, officer. Do you mind?"

The officer responds, "I'm sorry, sir, I didn't realise it was your wife."

The man quickly replies, "That's OK officer - until you shone your torch on her face, I didn't either!"
__________________

[osreb]

Kevin said to his friend James, "I'm breaking up with Sherry!" "Are you crazy? Sherry is a beautiful and smart woman!" said James. Kevin responded, "Last night Sherry broke down and told me she was bisexual, and who the hell wants to screw just twice a year?"


When I was a kid, I used to think it would be really cool to be just like Keith from the Partridge Family. Only when I got older did I realize that having your mom on keyboards really cuts down on the opportunities to get backstage fellatio from groupies

Just as he was leaving for work, the man's wife told him that there was a leak in the plumbing. He told her to call a plumber and have it fixed. When he got to work, he gave her a call and asked, "Has the plumber come yet?" She replied, "Not quite, but I have him breathing hard."


The most popular guy at a nude beach is the guy who can carry two cups of coffee and seven donuts. The most popular girl at the nude beach is the girl who can eat the seventh donut.

[osreb]

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:


1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."


2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)


4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)


6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."