April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[ftwpeeker]

how does a lady hold her licker?...... by the ears

why did god make ladies with two holes next to each other near the center of their bodies?........ so you can get a good grip when their pass out

or just plan silly?

[osreb]

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.

1st kid says, "A computer".

Teacher replies, "That would d be very useful."

2nd kid says, "A car" and gets a similar answer.

Johnny says, " At my house we don't need anything."

The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.

Johnny replies, "No I'm sure.

When my sister started going out with a Muslim,

I remember my dad saying,

"Well that's all we fucking need."

[osreb]

Click below and then, pull the beer to the right

Click Here:

http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/a...es_622180a.swf

[osreb]

The aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from the University of Iowa, "What is the opposite of Joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of Depression?" he asked a young lady from Northwestern University.

"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M, "how about the opposite of Woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

************************************************** ***********************

A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras.

He said, "Ah'l go down raht now."

So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop. The sales lady said, "May I help you sir?" When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras, she asked, "Would you like two Playtex?"

He answered, "Ah'd luv ta little lady, but mah wife's a'waitin fur me up in the room."


_

[osreb]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he went to see
his doctor.
The doctor suggested that the man could solve his problem by startling
himself whenever he thought that he was going to ejaculate.
So, the man went directly to a sporting goods store and bought a starter
pistol. Then he went home to try the doctor's advice.
When he got home, he found his wife waiting for him on their bed,...
naked! So he ripped off his clothes and began making love with her. Eventually,
they wound up in the "69" position and then the man felt an enormous urge
to ejaculate, so he cranked off a few shots with his new starter pistol.
They next day, he went back to the doctor and reported his results. He
said, "It didn't work out for me, Doc! When I fired the pistol, my wife
crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the
closet with his hands in the air!"

[osreb]

You know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel when you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."


Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road. "I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine." "No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine." "The 'here after' routine what's that?", she wanted to know. "If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone."


The Mrs. was watching a cooking show the other day. I said, "What are you watching that for? You can't cook." She said, "You watch porn."


More puns on my 100 pantyhose pics thread..

https://forum.oneclickchicks.com/showthread.php?t=103367

[osreb]

Russ and Sam, two friends in their 70s, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.


One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'


Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'



'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'


'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'


'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?


'Well, one day she filed **** charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.


'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury

[osreb]

After more than 70 years of turning to fairy tales for inspiration, Disney says "Tangled" will be its last "princess" movie for the foreseeable future.

Lets see;

Jasmine was in a relationship with a dirty, homeless boy names Aladdin;

Snow White lives alone with 7 men;

A stanger kissed Sleeping Beauty and she married him;

Cinderella lied and snuck out at night to go to a party;

and also Pinnochio was a liar and Robin Hood a thief.

[osreb]

At one ad agency, a guy in production was fired when they discovered he was The Xerox Flasher. Every morning, he Xeroxed his privates, made copies & left them in the secretaries' desks. The boss said "Hell, he's the only person in the building who isn't guilty of false advertising!" His secretary said, "Well, not exactly." He said "Oh God! Don't tell me!" She said "Yes, sir. He was using the enlarger."

[osreb]

The 1st kind of sex is called ...
Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say .... 'F**k You.'

The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone..

And Last ... But not least ....
The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex. You get a little each month but not enough to enjoy yourself.