April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

My, how times have changed...

[osreb]

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers: 'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

[osreb]

Here's your answer.

Due to a power cut, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3 year old
girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while
he helped deliver the baby...

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and
pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his
bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed..

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in
the first place.....smack his ass again'

If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.*

[osreb]

Two Cajun hunters from Lafayette , La. hired a pilot to fly them to Canada
to hunt moose. They bagged four.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells
them the plane can take only two moose.

They objected strongly, stating, "Last year we shot four moose, and the pilot
let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all four were loaded..

Unfortunately, even at full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load
and crashed a few minutes after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, Boudreaux asked Thibodeaux, "Any idea where we are?"

Thibodeaux replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[osreb]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a
subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest
and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does!!"

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question
before answering...

[osreb]

Love is holding hands in the street.

Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.

Marriage is a take home packet.

Love is cuddling on a sofa.

Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children.

Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is going to bed early.

Marriage is going to sleep early.

[osreb]

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC
(Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you:.
Please pass this on to your CHILDREN and Grandchildren so they can understand your texts.

ATD: At The Doctor's
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Can't get up
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
PIMP: Pooped in my pants
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
GLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)

[osreb]

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was
trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the
teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I
only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations…"

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
__________________

[osreb]

If you’re tracking these things…

Year to date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security:


Terrorist Plots Discovered - 0
Transvestites - 133
Hernia’s - 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases - 3,172
Enlarged Prostates - 8,249
Breast Implants - 59,350
Natural Blondes - 3

[osreb]

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's
farm,and all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
fascinate, not fascinating."

Sally raised her hand.
She said, "My family went to see Rock City , and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you
to use the word 'fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
"fascinate," so she called on him for his offering..

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons,
but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."


The teacher sat down and cried.