April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

*A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.*


*“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and
drug abuse on the human body.”*


*The policeman asks, “Really?*


*And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”*


*“My wife”, comes the reply*

[osreb]

multiple choice...(pic 1)

[osreb]

Billy Bob and LeRoy were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells LeRoy,"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a bit different.

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. Went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.

Last year, you suggested Tahiti - and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again!"

LeRoy asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm taking Earline with me!"

[osreb]

Are You Unnoticed?

Are you sick of being ignored?

Do you sit unnoticed on the sidelines
while others are picked?

Are you tired of being overlooked?

Get a new scarf ! !

Try the latest scarf fashion and you too
will be the center of attention . . .

(Love the one with the rose "tattoo!")




We don't stop laughing because we grow old;
we grow old because we stop laughing.

[osreb]

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a
rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in
his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else"
said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the
man she charged $5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars
and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more
demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back
two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie,
and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third
consecutive night, but he paid Valerie
and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man,

"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row."
"Where are you from?"

The man replied, " New Brunswick ."

"Really," she said.
"I have family in New Brunswick ."

"I know." the man said.

"Your sister died, and I am her attorney."
"She asked me to give you your
$15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three(3) things in life are certain :

1. Death

2 . Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

[osreb]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from Tennessee fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The man from Mississippi reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Alabaman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The Alabaman replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

[osreb]

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk.

The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow
for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 500 rubles. Being frugal, they
bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people
were amazed and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows
like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the
bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise Rabbi what to do.
They told the Rabbi what was happening.

They explained: "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he
approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the
front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to
the other side."

The Rabbi pondered this for a while and asked, "Did you buy this cow from
Minsk?"

The people were amazed & dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where
they had gotten the cow.

"You are truly a wise Rabbi," they said. "How did you know we got the cow
from Minsk?"

The Rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

[alonzo]

oh-oh

[chuckie497]

Kinda hard to get a bead on anything with your thumb across the sight line.....better stick to tanning....and showing off your sexy body!

[big gimpin]

Originally Posted by chuckie497

Kinda hard to get a bead on anything with your thumb across the sight line.....better stick to tanning....and showing off your sexy body!

No magazine, either. She might as well just use it as a club and beat him to death.