April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

..if the Indians had given the Pilgrams a donkey instead of a turkey.

We would have all had a piece of ass this Thanksgiving.

[osreb]

Did you hear about the fellow who was caught having sex with a horse?

He said he just wanted a stable relationship.

[osreb]

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site
noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend
some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch;
sit with the workers; and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and
walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:
"And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other.. very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"

The worker yelled back,

"'Cause his wife's here with his lunch."

[osreb]

Giving Up Chocolate


I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy chocolate with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop eating chocolate years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and chocolate.'

[osreb]

The testicular guard "cup" (jock) was first used in Hockey in 1874 and
the first helmet was used in 1974.


It only took 100 years for men to realize
that their "other" brain is also important.

[MarquisMD]

28.Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie: Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.

May I remind you, that in the past 20 years or so all top chefs have been male. There once was a woman who managed to make it to #28, but she was gone the following year.

[osreb]

A new Safeway Supermarket just opened in Colorado Springs, Colorado. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brauts.

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Bud Lite.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

[osreb]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to

the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.



A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will

be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and

pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man

says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke.."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same.."



Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.



This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?

asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and

a salad," says the man.



"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."



Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and

Places it on the table.



The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,

sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change

in your pocket every time?"



"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and

found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered

me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,

I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money

would always be there."


"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.. "Most people would ask for a

million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want

for as long as you live!"



"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact

money is always there," says the man..


The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"



The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick

with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

[osreb]

Did Philip Fart? What do you think?

The expressions are priceless! Look at the Queen's face.
You just know he did it!

Yep, I think he did it.

With those facial expressions,
there's no doubt about it, he let one rip!!

[osreb]

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is
wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative
fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into
ear rings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies
sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity
prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

(I always wondered how this trend got started)