April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[ftwpeeker]

Originally Posted by osreb

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.
Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie.
Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

Good girls say, "Don't ... Stop..."
Bad girls say, "Don't Stop..."

way to go bad girls. make us proud.

[osreb]

I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my
new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!


I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional -
I've seen it all before.


Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out ."


I said, "I think my dick tastes funny..."

[osreb]

Minute Man: One who double parks while he visits a wh*r* house.


"I met a beautiful exotic girl on my vacation in the islands and I brought her back with me."
"Jamaica?"
"Not yet, but I plan to."



Look, lover boy, $120 means $120. I don't give a shit if that works out to $240 a minute."

[osreb]

A young woman goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her
blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your
chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of
it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she
replies.

A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark
on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so
proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make
love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at
Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

[jeff5228]

Originally Posted by osreb

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.
Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie.
Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

Good girls say, "Don't ... Stop..."
Bad girls say, "Don't Stop..."

Good girls go.......to heaven
Bad girls go..........everywhere

[osreb]

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's private area is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's...

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

[osreb]

Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the
importance of correct grammar.

I have noticed that many who text messages & email have forgotten the "art"
of capitalization.

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse
and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

[osreb]

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it...'

For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

*****************************
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted.... 'Look at that dead bird!'

Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where? '

They walk among us!

*****************************

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'

My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime.

She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff....... '

They Walk Among Us!

*****************************

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.

She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'. They Walk Among Us!

*****************************
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!"

I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.... They Walk Among Us !

*****************************

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.

The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands.

'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'.... (I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!

*****************************

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us!

[osreb]

Women might be a mystery to men, we all admit that, but, in order for us to get along well, there are a few things that they should know about men too:

1.If you’re cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.

2.When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
Unless the answer is yes. In which case, can he videotape it?

3.Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. Seriously.
4.Don’t make him hold your purse in the mall. It does something to our manhood.
5.Shopping is not fascinating. Ever.
6.It is only common courtesy to leave the toilet seat up when you’re done.
7.If you really want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
8.The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
9.Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
10.Don’t hog the covers. Really.
11.If he has to sit through “Legends of the Fall”, you have to sit through “Showgirls”.
12.“Fine.” is not an acceptible way to end an argument.
13.Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
14.If you truly want honesty, don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to.
15.Of course he wants another beer.
16.The guy doesn’t always have to sleep on the wet spot.
17.Dogs good. Cats bad. Grrrrrrr….
18.He does not want to be just friends.
19.Do not question a man’s innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.

20.He was not looking at that other girl.
Well, okay… maybe a little.
Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal.
Like you never looked at another guy…

21.He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. a) And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.

22.Your (select appropriate item butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine.
As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.

23.If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm. Ever.
24.Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
25.It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
26.Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
27.Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it. Did I meantion Love it?
28.Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie: Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
29.Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
30.He heard you the first time. Honest.
31.You know, you can ask him out too… Let’s spread the rejection around a little.
32.Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
33.Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you’re with.
34.Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.
35.His (fill in appropriate selections bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.

36.Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that…

[osreb]

This is priceless - would love to do this.**


One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my*
sister's house for the traditional feast.
Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.

She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven,
removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,and inserted it into the turkey,
and re-stuffed theturkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled theturkey out of the oven
and proceeded to remove the stuffing.

When her serving spoon hit something,
she reached in and pulled out the little bird..

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,

"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that* *turkeys lay eggs!


*Yep...................SHE'S BLONDE !*

***** WATERMARKED PIC REMOVED *****