April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Brace yourself before looking at the attached image in pic 1

It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show
and slams into four buildings.

One can only imagine the horror of the occupants
inside those buildings.

[osreb]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.


The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.


The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'


I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a
demonstration?'


The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay... Go ahead.'


Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'


The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'


Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.


Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
other eye.'


Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.


Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.


The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with
Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.


'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between..'


The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he
agrees again.


Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains
mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side,
so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.


The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss
into a huge win.


But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.


'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.


'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he
could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about
it!'**

[osreb]

So that's what happened...(pic 1)

[osreb]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable,
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed
Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

[osreb]

A couple living in a small Minnesota town take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom as such but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to bowl," the woman said.

So the young girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday night.

After her husband had gone off for his bowling tournament, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.

She was surprised to see that the young lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week, when you go off to bowl, I'll leave a little gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself, alright?"

The following Monday night, while the girl got undressed for her bath, the wife asked her,
"Do you shave down there?"

"No," replied the girl, "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs on yours?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman and she showed the girl her hairy muff.

After the girl had gone to bed the husband came home and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why not?" she said, "You've seen it before.”

"I know," he replied, "but the bowling team hadn't!"

[osreb]

Question:
What is the truest definition ofGlobalization?

Answer:
Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer :

An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
riding in a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian
who was drunk on Scottish whisky,

(check the bottle before you
change the spelling),

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles,
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by a Canadian,
using American Bill Gates' technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that uses Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian truck drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Chinese illegals.....

That, my friends, is Globalization !

AND HOW!!.

[osreb]

Sure Beats the hell out of a *Zamboni* !!!!!!!


Love the names on the back of their jerseys.

Pic 4 (Say it quickly, for the full effect).

[osreb]

One day, a chicken got to know an egg in the biblical sense.
After they had finished, the chicken was reclining with a post-coital cigarette in his beak.
He rolls over to the egg and says,
"I guess that settles it then".

[osreb]

"Class, today's assignment is to spell and
use the word 'DOUGH' in a sentence."

"Jane, you go first..."
"Dough, D O U G H, Italians make pizza with dough."

Very good, Jane... now let's hear from Mary.

"Dough, D O U G H,My brother makes things with play dough."

"Yes, Johnny, do you have something to add?"

"My mom says my dad doesn't make enough dough,
and he's so bad in bed she uses a dill dough."

[osreb]

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.
Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie.
Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

Good girls say, "Don't ... Stop..."
Bad girls say, "Don't Stop..."