April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Grandpa remembers the value of a dollar

[osreb]

10 Things That Sound Dirty On Halloween, But Aren't...

1. So...What'd you get in the sack?

2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!!!

3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!

4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks!

5. I got the best piece from that house.

6. Quit screwing around on the porch!!!

7. Stick your hand in and guess what you're feeling....

8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use TWO hands!!

9. They'll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.

10. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldn't get my mouth around it!


Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go back at it again.

8. The stranger you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave it to you.

6. Person you are with doesn't fantasize you're someone else, you already are.

5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last nine months.

4. If you wear leather and chains, no one thinks you're kinky.

3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning from over-indulging.

1. If you don't get what you want at one place, you can always go next door to get more!

[osreb]

Blonde Mortician


A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.

You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

didn't see that one coming...did you?




And that is exactly why I want to be cremated.

[osreb]

All Saints Day

[osreb]

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was

flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.



The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"



"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.

My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be

taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't

want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them

to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were

ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into

their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San

Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking

down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the

amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the

road and ran over to the blonde.

What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take

these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left

over---so now we're going to Sea World."

[osreb]

I was recently in Miami and decided to learn the Spanish language,

so I could understand the check-outs at McDonalds.



My next move is to learn Indian, so I can understand my doctors and

the person that answers the phone when I have a warranty problem.

Yep, by the time I read this, I was able to understand the 1st line.



"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...



In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all

need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the

following conversation until you are able to understand the term

"TENJOOBERRYMUDS". With a little patience, you'll be able to fit

right in. Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel

guest and room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today.......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs.."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... Pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... Don't think so."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."


Room Service: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bidder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

Room Service: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

Room Service: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

Room Service: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

Room Service: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

Room Service: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish

moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy .... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say.."

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL

UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".......and you do, don't you!

[williwanki]

Our favorite travel troll finally gets the reward he's always wanted:

[osreb]

What is the differance between a car tire and 365 used condoms?

One is Goodyear the other is a Great Year.

[osreb]

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS :
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS :
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES :
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS :
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES :
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES :
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS :
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people..

EGG TIMERS :

Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS :
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL :
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying!

[osreb]

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down


Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side….



Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!



1. Men are NOT mind readers..
( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)



1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,

we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hockey.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -

to give them a bigger laugh.