April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

"I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman
with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's
willing to make a decision she'll regret in the future."
--Richard Jeni

[osreb]

I was working in the lab late one night
When I heard the gurgle of a water pipe
So I turned to see my monster in a cloud of smoke
Who said "This shit ain't bad, here, have a toke"

(We smoked some hash) - We smoked some monster hash
(Some monster hash) - It was his personal stash
(We smoked some hash) - We got completely trashed
(On monster hash) - We smoked some monster hash



As we partied in the castle with the living dead
Mouths were dry and eyes were red
The ghouls and goblins shrieked and screamed
"Won't somebody please pass the Visine"



(They smoked some hash) - They smoked some monster hash
(Some monster hash) - From Frankie's personal stash
(We smoked some hash) - And they all were smashed
(On monster hash) - They smoked some monster hash



The mummy was taking on a bong
Wolfman said "Don't Bogart that, pass it along"
The swamp thing was toasted, rolling on the floor
Laughing hysterically and pleading for more



The scene was rocking as the werewolves moved
To the undead reggae band's dance hall grooves
Meanwhile in the kitchen Frankenstein baked
Some Alice B. Toklas brownies and cakes



(We ate some hash) - We ate some monster hash
(Some monster hash) - It had the graveyard smashed
(We ate some hash) - And we all got trashed
(On monster hash) - We ate some monster hash



The party would have gone on 'til we all passed out
But just then we heard a bloodcurdling shout
"Watch out, beware, cover your necks
Dracula's got the munchies, and he's totally wrecked"



(He smoked some hash) - He smoked some monster hash
(Some monster hash) - He was completely smashed
(He smoked some hash) - That Transylvanian's trashed
(On monster hash) - He smoked some monster hash



Now every night the dead rise up from the grave
To partake in our happening THC rave
For you, the living, this hash was meant, too
When you get to my door just say the Toyes sent you



(We'll smoke some hash) - We'll smoke some monster hash
(Some monster hash) - And we'll all get trashed
(We'll smoke some hash) - From my personal stash
(Of monster hash) - We'll smoke some monster hash

[ftwpeeker]

Originally Posted by osreb

I was working in the lab late one night
When I heard the gurgle of a water pipe
So I turned to see my monster in a cloud of smoke
Who said "This shit ain't bad, here, have a toke"

(We smoked some hash) - We smoked some monster hash
(Some monster hash) - It was his personal stash
(We smoked some hash) - We got completely trashed
(On monster hash) - We smoked some monster hash



As we partied in the castle with the living dead
Mouths were dry and eyes were red
The ghouls and goblins shrieked and screamed
"Won't somebody please pass the Visine"



(They smoked some hash) - They smoked some monster hash
(Some monster hash) - From Frankie's personal stash
(We smoked some hash) - And they all were smashed
(On monster hash) - They smoked some monster hash



The mummy was taking on a bong
Wolfman said "Don't Bogart that, pass it along"
The swamp thing was toasted, rolling on the floor
Laughing hysterically and pleading for more



The scene was rocking as the werewolves moved
To the undead reggae band's dance hall grooves
Meanwhile in the kitchen Frankenstein baked
Some Alice B. Toklas brownies and cakes



(We ate some hash) - We ate some monster hash
(Some monster hash) - It had the graveyard smashed
(We ate some hash) - And we all got trashed
(On monster hash) - We ate some monster hash



The party would have gone on 'til we all passed out
But just then we heard a bloodcurdling shout
"Watch out, beware, cover your necks
Dracula's got the munchies, and he's totally wrecked"



(He smoked some hash) - He smoked some monster hash
(Some monster hash) - He was completely smashed
(He smoked some hash) - That Transylvanian's trashed
(On monster hash) - He smoked some monster hash



Now every night the dead rise up from the grave
To partake in our happening THC rave
For you, the living, this hash was meant, too
When you get to my door just say the Toyes sent you



(We'll smoke some hash) - We'll smoke some monster hash
(Some monster hash) - And we'll all get trashed
(We'll smoke some hash) - From my personal stash
(Of monster hash) - We'll smoke some monster hash

you have to love fresh baked nookies, they are great if you dunk um.

[osreb]

What does the starship enterprise and tiolet paper have in common?



They both circle around uranus and wipe out klingons.

[osreb]

guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice
say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you.

Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully,
and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."


With age comes wisdom!

[osreb]

Everyone should start carrying $2 bills I'm STILL laughing!

I think we need to quit saving our $2 bills and bring them out in public

The younger generation doesn't even know they exist!

STORY:
On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. I have a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure with the $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about irritating anyone for trying to break a $50 bill.
Me: 'Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go.' Server: 'That'll be $1.04. Eat in?'
Me: 'No, it's to go.' At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.
Server: 'Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.' He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot.
The following conversation occurs between the two of them:
Server: 'Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?'
Manager: 'No. A what?'
Server: 'A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me...'
Manager: 'Ask for something else. There's no such thingas a $2 bill.'
Server: 'Yeah, thought so.'
He comes back to me and says, 'We don't take these.
Do you have anything else?'

Me: 'Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?
Server: 'I don't know.'
Me: 'See here where it says legal tender?'
Server: 'Yeah.'
Me: 'So, why won't you take it?'
Server: 'Well, hang on a sec.'
He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me likeI'm a shoplifter, and says to him, 'He says I have to take it.'

Manager: 'Doesn't he have anything else?'
Server: 'Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change.
Manager: 'I'm not opening the safe with him in here.'
Server: 'What should I do?'
Manager: 'Tell him to come back later when he has real money.'
Server: 'I can't tell him that! You tell him.'
Manager: 'Just tell him.'
Server: 'No way! This is weird. I'm going in back.
The manager approaches me and says, 'I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night.'

Me: 'It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill.'
Manager: 'We don't take those, either.'
Me: 'Why not?'
Manager: 'I think you know why.'
Me: 'No really, tell me why.'
Manager 'Please leave before I call mall security.'
Me: 'Excuse me?'
Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'
Me: 'What on earth for?'
Manager: 'Please, sir..'
Me: 'Uh, go ahead, call them.'
Manager: 'Would you please just leave?'
Me: 'No.'
Manager: 'Fine -- have it your way then.'
Me: 'Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?'
At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner.I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect.
A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.

Guard: 'Yeah, Mike, what's up?'
Manager (whispering): 'This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money.'
Guard: 'No kidding! What?'
Manager: 'Get this. A two dollar bill.'
Guard (incredulous): 'Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?'
Manager: 'I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty.'
Guard: 'Oh, so the fifty's fake!'
Manager: 'No, the two dollar bill is.'
Guard: 'Why would he fake a two dollar bill?'
Manager : 'I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?'
Guard: 'Yeah.'

Security Guard walks over to me and......

Guard: 'Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use.'
Me: 'Uh, no.'
Guard: 'Lemme see 'em.'
Me: 'Why?'
Guard: 'Do you want me to get the cops in here?'

At this point I'm ready to say,'Sure, please!' but I want to eat, so I say, 'I'm just trying to buy aburrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill. I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill turns it over a few times in his hands, andhe says,
Guard: 'Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?'
Manager: 'It's fake.'
Guard: 'It doesn't look fake to me.'
Manager: 'But it's a two dollar bill.'
Guard: 'Yeah? '
Manager: 'Well, there's no such thing, is there?'

The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue and is an idiot. So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.
Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff.
Just think...those two will be voting soon!!?!

YIKES!!! Too late, we already have a nation full of them.

[osreb]

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it
over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I
don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I
would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a
fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know.
And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week..'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or
twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

[osreb]

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, “Dang, why are you drinking so fast?”

The guy says, “You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.”

The bartender says, “What do you have?”

The guy says, “75 cents.”

[osreb]

Pic 1 is tonights geography lesson.

[osreb]

If you have never heard of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in history of the 1930's '40's and ‘50’s.


Before there were interstates everyone drove the old 2 lane roads. Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside, very often in farmers' fields. You did not know where the signs would turn up. Driving along, suddenly you would spot one planted alongside the road, followed by the rest.


They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs made up the set, stuck about 100 feet apart. Each sign contained 1 line of a 4 line couplet......and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.


Read Below: Actual wording taken from signs you “might have read".


DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.


DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave

A GUY, A MISS
A CAR, A CURVE
HE KISSED THE MISS
AND MISSED THE CURVE

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE