April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

[osreb]

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

[osreb]

She scared and surprised ... in complete shock.

You would think that was the devil himself, but... she realized that a few years will look just like her.

Pic 1 & 2

[osreb]

A man is out on the drink when he starts talking to a good looking lady in her fifties. After a few drinks, he finds himself back at her house and in bed naked. She turns to him and says, would you have any objection to a mother daughter threesome? He's already seen some photos on the wall and there appears to be a nice looking younger girl, so trying to muffle his enthusiasm, he says, no, not at all, by all means. Great, says the lady and goes to door and shouts, "MOM! HE SAID YES"

[osreb]

Enjoy the book guys...

[osreb]

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe....as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.



Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"



"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.



An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"



(I am soooooo sorry.....but you really should've seen that one coming!!)

[osreb]

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinaman, are hired at a construction site.
The foreman pointed to a huge pile of sand.
He said to the Italian, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'
To the Scotsman he said, 'You're in charge of shovelling.'
To the Chinaman, 'You're in charge of supplies.'
He then said, 'I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to
make a dent in that pile of sand.'
When the foreman returned after a couple of hours, the pile of sand was
untouched.
He asked the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'
The Italian replied, 'I hava no broom. You saida to the China fella he
wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda
him nowhere.'
Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, 'And you, I thought I
told you to shovel this pile.'
The Scotsman replied, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, but ah could nae get
meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, but
ah couldna fin' him either.'
The foreman was really angry and stormed off towards the pile of sand to
look for the Chinese gent.
Just then, the Chinaman leapt out from behind the pile of sand and
yelled...........................




'SUPPLIES !!!!'

[osreb]

Eye Contact…
Sometimes it's difficult to look someone in the eye when you're talking to them

I think in case of pic 1 it's because she's squinting
Yupp! I'm sure it's the squinting!

[osreb]

The teacher asked who in the class could define the word “indifferent.” Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “That’s easy, it means it feels so good.”

The teacher asked how he came up with that definition, and Johnny said, “I was up in my room last night, and my sister and her boyfriend were down on the porch, and I heard her say, ‘That feels so good’ and her boyfriend said, ‘That’s cause it’s in different.’”

[osreb]

wonder if pic 1 helps her not get speeding tickets?