April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

A Drover walks into a bar with
a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my
manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.

'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of
its head

The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.



A blonde woman timidly Spoke up..........
'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'
__________________

[osreb]

A beautiful young blonde New York woman was so depressed that she
decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before
she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her...*

*
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "Look, I'm a sailor, and we're
off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care
of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to
go to Europe, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From
then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to
her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine
inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings
food and I get a free trip to Europe."

"I see," the captain says

"Plus," she adds, "He's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain.

"This is the Staten Island Ferry."*

[osreb]

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.


The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.



After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.



It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back.....


--

[osreb]

Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next
tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps
open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex...........
Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.


I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today..
Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face '
didn't mean ' What I thought it did '

[osreb]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after and house her neighbor’s male dog while they were away on vacation. She had a large house however and believed that she could keep them apart but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me" he replied.


__._,_.___

[osreb]

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions.' He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And then asks, 'What is your occupation?' The woman replies, 'I'm a wh*r*.


'The accountant balks and says, 'No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that.' The woman, 'OK, I'm a prostitute.''No, that is still too crude. Try again.' They both think for a minute, then the woman states, 'I'm a chicken farmer.' The accountant asks, 'What does chicken farming have to do with being a wh*r* or a prostitute?'


'Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.'

[osreb]

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.

Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as
The whaling ship that killed his father.

Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that
Killed my father! Let's swim closer!"

When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the
Ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million
Pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.

So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew
Enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and
Crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.

The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors
Were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.

The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still
Alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the
Sailors!"

That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh
No... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."

[osreb]

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the
New York City public school system. *


*All teachers were reprimanded !!!*


**


1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started
to dig.


2. I would not allow this student to breed.


3.. Your child has delusions of adequacy.


4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)


5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them.


6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it
all together.


7. This child has been working with glue too much.


8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.


9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..


10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
week.


11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out
1,000,000 others.


12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

[osreb]

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were
taken from police car videos around the country:*


1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went
through."


2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
after you wear them a while."


3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document."


4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."


5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed
of the bullet that'll be chasing you."


6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write
anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"


7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor today?"


8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again
or I'll give you another ticket."


9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"


10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat fairy floss and hot dogs, and step in cow shit."


11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."


12. "In God we trust; all others we run through the computer."


13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"


14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed
to write as many tickets as we can."


15. "I'm glad to hear that the Police Minister is a personal friend of
yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."


AND THE WINNER IS....


16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't..
Sign here."

[osreb]

Two Blondes With Hammers...

Lynn and Jody were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lynn was nailing down house siding. She would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Jody, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Lynn explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."

Jody got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"